


a fistful of sand

by iridescentjaebum



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Memories, Mutual Pining, Summer Romance, don't read chapter notes and comments after chap 6 if you don't want to get spoiled, this entire fic is a mess but we're here for a fun ride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-02-22 23:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23535163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridescentjaebum/pseuds/iridescentjaebum
Summary: In which Jaebum, a man in his 40s and on the verge of divorce, remembers how he fell in love and what it feels like.alternatively, Jaebum tells six love stories to his kids, but only one of them has a happy ending.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Mark Tuan, and a lot of jaebum's side relationships because of the premise of the fic
Comments: 104
Kudos: 120





	1. Bedtime stories

**Author's Note:**

> *jyp voice* guess who's back haha
> 
> it's been a hot second since i was last here to post anything, but here we are and it's a mess again! 
> 
> i know i promised fluff on twitter, because that's what my followers voted for instead of angst, and believe me, you'll get a whole load of fluff and comedy in the upcoming chapters, just bear with this one for a minute, because it Has To Be Like This to set the whole premise. also, the college au tag is here bc even though the first chapter is set a biiiiit in the future, the majority of the story happens when jaebum's a student.
> 
> also yes, the quarantine has kicked in (it's currently day 24 or something lmao) so i've been watching an unhealthy amount of tv series, and YES, the main plot device IS 'how i met your mother', or, in this case, dad, yikes
> 
> this chapter was written while heavily looping [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlUx8CjZYOw)

“When are we going to tell them?” a voice reaches Jaebum from the other side of the bed as they’re about to go to sleep. He knew that this question was bound to be thrown at him anytime soon, and yet it still catches him off guard; Jaebum’s sigh feels like it echoes throughout the room like no words ever did. 

In Jaebum’s perception, falling out of love is _okay –_ if anything, if he’s being absolutely honest, deep in his heart her knew it’s going to be inevitable at one point or another. He could hardly say that the past few years felt a lot like having a soulmate by his side, quite the opposite. 

The fights they tried to keep hushed were increasing both in numbers and, eventually, in decibels; resentment of some sorts and bottled up ambitions were threatening to pop like a very violently shaken can of soda any minute now. Even Jaebum, the resident let’s-not-talk-about-feelings-and-it-will-pass-soon guy, didn’t have to take a long time to realize that continuing a relationship like this is not the best and most fair option for either of them. 

And yet, when it comes to telling this very monologue that is unravelling in Jaebum’s mind to their _kids_ , it’s like they’re teenagers again. Feeling like they’re doing something they’re not supposed to, and hoping someone else will take responsibility for it. 

“Sangwoo has a school play this week, and Jinwoo is trying for the soccer team the next.” Jaebum has always been pragmatic. He doesn’t think “the news” is something worthy of creating havoc before other, more important events. “So... The week after that?” 

“Sounds good.” 

That’s the most words Jaebum has gotten from his husband this entire week perhaps, asides from the obvious, most necessary communication that involved the household and kids. That’s why the man, now lying down next to Jaebum, sounds and feels so foreign. 

They stopped talking, they stopped spending time together, they even stopped trying to fake that good old family bliss they were infamous for – Jaebum's colleagues now ask why his husband doesn’t drop by his office like he’s used to, why Jaebum isn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore; Jaebum never answers those questions, however. 

How would he? He doesn’t know the answer. 

“I...” the voice next to Jaebum doesn’t stop; he turns around to look at the person whom he spent the majority of his young adult days with. He doesn’t even _look_ the same anymore, either. 

“Yeah?” Jaebum mumbles, looking at a brown mop of hair, belonging to his husband of twelve years now. Looking directly in his eyes now feels somehow awkward, even if Jaebum – cheesily enough – could've drowned in them when they had just met. 

“I’m going on a business trip tomorrow, so you... I guess you’ll be able to... Be alone for a while.” It seems like Jaebum isn’t the only one who’s not good with words tonight. 

Jaebum knows what’s up. It’s definitely not a lie – if anything, he always admired how his husband never failed to remain one hundred percent transparent, even when the circumstances were more than unfortunate. But all of this meant that this is really _it_. 

He’s not coming back from that business trip. 

“Are you sure about that?” Jaebum asks nevertheless, turning off the light on his bedside table and sinking into his pillow like he’d wish it would swallow him alive. 

“Yeah.” 

“Sangwoo will be really disappointed if you don’t come to see him on stage. It’s a pretty big play for him.” Jaebum says. 

“I’ll be there for the play.” 

“Great.” Jaebum concludes. And, out of habit, adds, “Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight.” 

But neither of them sleeps well that night. 

“Dad, dad, hey dad, _daaad_!” Jaebum barely can set a full foot into the flat when three weeks later he’s completely swarmed by two little demons, each demanding more attention than he could give after a full day of work. 

Jaebum loves being a dad, though. It’s not something that came to him naturally though, he was never the one to dream about a big family with an enormous number of kids – but for someone who has spent most of his early twenties swearing he’s never going to have kids at all, since it’s only a waste of time and resources, he credits himself with doing a pretty good job in navigating through dirty diapers, unexpected vomit, temper tantrums and an almost destroyed home not once, but twice already. 

And yet, for the first time ever, there’s a certain feeling of being completely lost, having to do that all alone. 

“Okay, enough yelling.” Jaebum’s strict voice has been honed for almost a decade, so it surely gets through the entire ordeal clearly. “You,” he points to their oldest, Sangwoo, “Help me with groceries, and...” For a split second, he’s unsure if what he’s seeing is real – long office hours have their own downsides, “And why on earth is Jinwoo’s face covered in peanut butter?!” 

“Sangwoo hyung told me it’s going to help me become faster!” Jinwoo proudly announces as a huge blob of peanut butter drops from his chin on the kitchen’s floor. Sangwoo, carrying fruits behind Jaebum’s back, not so subtly tries to tell him to shut up. 

“He said _what_.” Jaebum deadpans, trying to handle cartons of milk and eggs at the same time, before someone gets a chance to destroy it. 

Sangwoo crosses his arms on his chest and his lips curve in an insulted pout. “I did _not_.” Jaebum spares him a glance, which is incredibly effective as it says “you’re not going outside till you’re eighteen”, and then he admits, defeated. “I said it _might_ make him run faster. Not my fault he fell for it.” 

“He’s eight years old, Sangwoo, he’d believe everything you say.” Jaebum mumbles. “When you were his age, you believed that a falling star will fall onto you and kill you,” he giggles remembering that, and Sangwoo sticks out his tongue to hide his embarrassment. “Anyway, Jinwoo, go and wash your face before dinner, you already run faster than everyone on your team. I’m sure it’s more than enough for now.” 

“By the way, dad called,” Sangwoo says innocently when Jinwoo leaves the kitchen, babbling something to himself. Sangwoo looks as usual, but Jaebum can see something flickering in his stare, just that he can’t quite understand what it is yet. 

They all always joked that Sangwoo learned it from Jaebum’s husband; not letting absolutely anyone to read into his expressions when the kid doesn’t want to. 

“Yeah? What did he say?” Jaebum tries to be as nonchalant as possible, but his heart still makes a somersault. It’s been a while since the conversation in their bedroom, and the conversation with kids was already more than overdue. 

Sangwoo’s voice is a little accusing when he says, “Said he’s coming for a visit tonight.” 

“Oh. Guess we’ll need another plate; would you mind grabbing it from the cupboard?” 

Jaebum wishes he could jump into that very pot of boiling hot water he watching so it wouldn’t overflow when Sangwoo asks the most important, and yet the most complicated question. “Why is he only coming for a _visit_?” 

“The business trip--” Jaebum starts, but the words somehow get stuck in his throat. 

“There’s no business trip, is there,” Sangwoo notes. 

Jaebum sighs, dumping a few packs of ramen into the pot. It splashes, and Jaebum burns his finger – but then again, he’s always been disastrous when it comes to cooking. 

“There’s no business trip.” 

“So, he's not living with us anymore.” 

Jaebum for a second looks at his son, before answering. “That’s not final yet.” 

“Okay.” something in Sangwoo’s voice shows that he doesn’t really believe it, and Jaebum hates that calm, but yet disappointed stare in his eyes. 

However, the only thing can say at the moment is, “Go get your brother, the food is almost ready.” 

Jaebum’s husband shows up not long after they finish dinner; when Jaebum opens the door, he notices the subtle, yet obvious changes. Dark eye bags being more prominent than ever before, the tired eyes, no trace of a smile whatsoever. 

He greets the children, and Jaebum, leaning against the living room’s door, wishes that they wouldn’t need to do this from the bottom of his heart. He would be okay with everything if his kids continued laughing like this. 

However, the fun and joy don’t last long, as Jaebum’s husband soon says, “Kids, we need to talk.” 

Jaebum catches himself feeling a little hurt because it doesn’t sound like it would be addressed to him even a little bit; it feels like they would’ve gone from lovers to absolute strangers in a few short weeks, with only one chore left to do before separating forever. 

They settle down on the couch, both men obviously tense. Sangwoo’s eyes knowingly, but still a little suspiciously keeps jumping from one parent to another. Jinwoo, being clingy as he is, settles on Jaebum’s lap, curious, but blissfully oblivious nevertheless. 

“Your dad and I are... not together anymore.” 

The news doesn’t get much of a reaction. Sangwoo’s entire existence is screaming “I knew it”, and Jinwoo is perhaps a little too tired after the entire day at school and in football practice to fully understand what that means, and what implications it has. 

“So, that means you don’t like each other anymore.” Jinwoo finally breaks the silence, fidgeting in Jaebum’s lap. 

“No.” Jaebum interrupts, quickly but firmly. “We do still like each other. But it’s just... It’s not like it was before.” 

Sometimes Jaebum thinks that Sangwoo more similar to him when it comes to talking about feelings; the twelve-year-old only keeps looking at them, before he shrugs and mumbles, “Which one is going to see us only during holidays and weekends?” 

They don’t have an answer to that. 

They were so proud of themselves that they finally made the first step to break free of this suffocating relationship, they sort of forgot that there’s a lot more to it than just simply telling the kids. They had to figure out everything anew now – parenting, visiting kids, who gets the custody to begin with, who gets to stay in this flat, who is going to move out after all, and so on, and so on... They have _nothing_ settled. 

“We don’t know yet.” Jaebum’s husband says after a long pause, wondering how a twelve-year-old has thought this one through better than they both, grown-up adults in their forties, did. “But that aside, we can assure you that--” 

“That you’re going to love us all the same, and you getting a divorce doesn’t mean we’re not going to see one of you ever again, and it’s definitely not our fault.” Sangwoo deadpans, but he starts to look a little mad and upset. “Got ya.” 

It makes quite a stark contrast with the youngest, who, in a matter of seconds, starts bawling his eyes out, yelling, “It’s my fault!” 

“It’s not your fault, champ.” Jaebum’s husband takes Jinwoo from Jaebum’s lap and lets him wrap his tiny child hands around like he’s never going to let go. “It’s no one’s fault. It happens in life, more often than you’d think.” 

“It’s my fault!” Jinwoo sternly repeats through tears, “Is it because I got detention?” But as he keeps repeating his words, he starts crying even more. 

Jaebum decides to change the topic for a second, even though it’s not exactly fitting; but he can’t bear to look at this sight anymore. “You got detention? For what?” 

It takes a while for Jinwoo to calm down enough to be able to tell how he got into a stupid fight with his classmate; it was about their favourite football players and then the argument ended somewhere else entirely before the teacher caught them fighting. The outcome was pretty clear though – Jinwoo earned himself a thousand syllable essay to write as a punishment. 

“What is it about?” Jaebum’s husband asks carefully as if the previous five minutes in their lives did not exist. 

Jinwoo lets out a post-crying hiccup before saying, “How you and—How you met dad.” 

A heavy silence follows the boy’s words, during which Jaebum and his husband simply stare at each other for a while; the irony is really strong with this one. Jaebum has absolutely no recollection of neither of them ever telling the story of how they both ended up together. At least not the full, detailed one. And this evening certainly doesn’t seem like the right occasion to speak about it, either. 

Seems like Jaebum’s husband shares the same sentiment about this because he only wipes tears from Jinwoo’s face and mumbles, “It’s a very long story, son. A lot, _lot_ longer than one thousand syllables.” 

Sangwoo, with his arms crossed on his chest, says, “But you can tell it to us today, right?” 

Jaebum is not quite sure how to go about it. “It’s late already, and you have school tomorrow--” 

“Well, that wasn’t the case when you talked,” Sangwoo says in a passive-aggressive manner, and Jaebum sighs. He hoped that this phase will not come this early into their lives. 

Jaebum’s husband gives into this quicker than Jaebum does. “I guess, we can tell it to you... Over the course of a few nights?” He turns to Jaebum for help, and the latter only vaguely shrugs. “That way everyone’s going to be happy.” 

“Okay, then,” Jaebum says. “Boys, go wash yourselves and get into bed. Consider this as a bedtime story, dad and I will come back soon.” 

The last bedtime story they’re telling together, Jaebum thinks, but doesn’t say it out loud. 

He goes through the usual bedtime routine of making four cups of hot chocolate; he’s painfully reminded about the picture-perfect family they used to be before, as his husband comes to help. 

“There’s no way we can tell it all, impossible.” Jaebum bitterly says, trying to handle all the cups in his hands. 

“Well, there is some time for us to remember all the details. A few nights won’t change anything, right?” 

_Wrong_. But they don’t know that yet. 

When they come to the kids’ room, Jaebum catches himself praying that both boys would’ve already dozed off; however, it’s not the case. Sangwoo and Jinwoo are both all ears, ready to hear _the_ story of their parents’ lives. The story they were trying to save for a more cheerful occasion. 

It feels a little strange again, when they get into the bed, cradling cups of a warm hot drink in their hands; Jaebum’s shoulder brushes against his husband, the person he was growing old with – Jaebum can notice the deepening wrinkles, could point out all the grey hairs that popped up on his husband’s head throughout the years. And at the same time, he doesn’t really feel anything about it. 

“So, kids, are you ready?” Jaebum’s husband interrupts his thoughts, and the boys eagerly nod, eyes wide and intrigued. 

“It all started in the winter of 2014,” Jaebum starts, about to relive his cherished memories of the coldest winder Seoul has experienced up to this day. 

Beast winter, a three months long blizzard, devil’s winter – that winter had a lot of names, but in Jaebum’s memory, it had only one. The best winter he’s ever experienced. 

Mostly because he met Jackson Wang that winter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i never realized how big of a pain in the a** it is when you cannot name a character for plot reasons, f you "jaebum's husband" tbh.  
> also note! even though jackson is mentioned at the end, it doesn't necessarily mean /he/ is the husband! is he the husband? who knows! who's the husband? idk! where's mark? idk!!
> 
> anyhow, i hope you liked it, comments are always welcomed, take care!!!


	2. First snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was due to be updated way earlier, but then easter came, and then my bday, and then i broke my laptop's charger and couldn't get a new one for ages and refused to write with anything that's not my laptop... what a mess. anyway, hope yall gonna enjoy! 
> 
> (this was written by endlessly looping [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtaQO9YGhsw) so maybe give it a try while reading!

When Jaebum met Jackson Wang for the very first time, he was absolutely sure he hated the guy.

It wasn’t even a _meeting_ to begin with, at least in Jaebum’s humble opinion – a meeting for him had always consisted of two parties aware it was happening. And yet, during the second semester of freshman year in university’s dorms, Jackson simply barged into his bathroom.

“Hey, do you want— Stop screaming, it’s just me—do you want to grab lunch with me and the boys later?” Jackson nonchalantly said, while Jaebum was indeed busy both screaming his lungs off and trying to (rather unsuccessfully) cover himself with a shower curtain. What, of course, ended up in Jaebum slipping and landing on his butt right on the floor.

“ _Who on earth are you?!_ ” Jaebum shrieked, now that he thinks of it, a few decibels too loud for it to be with some sort of dignity; only then Jackson suspiciously turned his stare from the mirror where he was fixing his hair to Jaebum, who was still attempting at a gracious rise from wet floor.

“Oh.” Jackson said, slowly realizing how majestically he messed up. “You’re not Younghyun. And I’m most likely not in the right room. I’m Jackson, by the way.”

Jaebum could’ve sworn there was steam coming out of his ears at that time, much like in cartoons. “Get. _Out._ ”

“But—”

“Oh my god, whoever you are, _get out_!” Jaebum yelled once again, throwing his sponge at the intruder.

And then he threw a pack of Q-tips. And a shampoo bottle because Jackson took his sweet time to start moving. And then a deodorant stick.

(Now Jackson always tells how he couldn’t even move, because he was trying not to get a black eye from all the things thrown at him.)

And then they both went down in the dorm’s history forever; Jackson for being a creep that kept staring at a naked dude, Jaebum for yelling so loud, the entire floor of their dorm started peeking their heads out to the corridor to watch how he was chasing Jackson down the stairs to give a good beating.

(He did not give Jackson a good beating.)

For about a week that was it – asides from Jaebum having to listen to endless jokes about that from his roommate and other friends. But the good times didn’t last very long, because one morning Jackson ran up to him while Jaebum was waiting for elevator on his way to class.

“Hey.” Jackson said, blissfully ignorant about the fact that they really weren’t on the “hey” basis. Jaebum, of course, didn’t answer. “Hey!” Unfortunately, Jackson was just as stubborn as Jaebum. “ _Hey_!”

“I can hear you, don’t yell into my ear.” Jaebum snarled, making an immediate detour to the faculty’s stairway. Jackson, of course, did the same.

“I just wanted to apologize!” Jackson exclaimed, long after Jaebum started mentally cursing himself for deciding to climb to the fifth floor during the peak rush hours, having to physically push through heaps of students.

“Please stop following me, I have a class.” Jaebum breathed out when he finally stopped by the classroom he needed. It was significantly harder to play it cool when the stabbing sensation in his ribs yelled at him that he needed to go back to the gym.

Jackson only sweetly smiled at him, swinging the class door open. “Then, I guess, you’re stuck with me for an additional hour and a half.”

Most decidedly, out of 90 seats available, Jackson picked out the one next to Jaebum, much to the latter’s annoyance. Jaebum actually did not even remember seeing Jackson in this classroom ever before to begin with, and it was way into the end of the first month of their semester.

Much to Jaebum’s fury, Jackson also spent the majority of class driving him insane by clicking his pen.

“Please stop.” Jaebum finally snapped not even fifteen minutes into it. He couldn’t even hear his own thoughts anymore.

 _Click. Click. Click._ Jaebum’s elbow almost drilled a hole in Jackson’s ribcage, because that’s what mature twenty-somethings do.

 _Click. Click. Click._ Jackson leaned in, holding the pen to Jaebum’s ear to piss him off.

_Click. Click. Click._

“I’ll stop if you go out with me.” Jackson whispered, suddenly leaning back. Their professor was looking around to identify the source of disruption. Jaebum incredulously looked at the guy besides him, trying to pretend nothing was happening and utterly failing at it.

“Mr. Im, what do you have to say on this week’s readings?” the intuition of the professor pointed her right to the culprits, and Jaebum’s face turned even more scarlet red than it already was.

“I… I don’t really agree with… The main problem the author raised?” Jaebum stuttered, feeling how everyone’s attention was shifting to him. He didn’t really know which reading the professor was asking about, nor what he himself was talking about. He had never been big on sociology, but it was in his compulsory list for some reason, despite him being a finance major.

Students around were trying to hold their amusement in, because it was clear Jaebum was tanking his answer. The professor raised her eyebrow, obviously not as amused as her students. “And what exactly is the main problem the author is talking about?”

Jaebum was sweating. He had never aimed at the academic stardom but messing up this early in the semester sounded pretty bad even for him. “Uh…”

“I think the main problem is how authors use this terrible language to make a point.” Jackson loudly said after a painful pause, drawing all the attention from Jaebum to himself. “What even is “p _articipants read assertions whose veracity was either affirmed or denied by the subsequent presentation of an assessment word_ ” on page 67? I don’t know what any of those words _mean_ , how are we supposed to have an opinion on it?”

A few giggles echoed throughout the classroom. The professor, even though taken aback, let out a strict smile, too. “Well, even though our goal today is to analyze the ideas of the author, instead of their writing style… At least one of you did their readings. Yes, Mr. Tuan?” she focused on some blonde guy, sitting two rows below Jaebum and started talking about something he asked.

The entire class was back to dozing off after a few minutes.

“Did you really read all that?” Jaebum whispered to Jackson, all dignity long forgotten.

“Of course not.” Jackson giggled. “Skimmed through the first paragraph while you were stuttering and drew from there. You’re welcome, by the way.”

No lie, Jaebum was impressed, but decided not to show it.

They didn’t talk until the end of the class, Jackson even stopped playing with that damned pen of his. Only when they finally were set free and Jaebum was stuffing his notebook into his backpack, Jackson pushed a piece of paper towards him.

“In case you ever change your mind.”

“What’s th—” it was Jackson’s phone number, obviously. “How do you even make sense,” Jaebum sighed instead of finishing his sentence. Jackson’s grin was wider than he had ever seen on anyone. “First you barge in on me showering, and then you have the guts to ask me out?”

Jackson’s grin got even wider if that’s humanly possible. His entire existence in that moment reminded Jaebum of an overgrown labrador, and the mop of chocolate brown hair on Jackson’s head, always falling into his eyes, didn’t really help either.

“Maybe I went there with the sole intention of asking you out, and you showering was just a big accident?” Jackson laughed.

Jaebum was speechless to say the least. Up until that dreaded day, he hadn’t even _seen_ Jackson anywhere on this campus.

“What do you mean?” He asked, but Jackson only wiggled his eyebrows and waved at him, exiting the classroom. Jaebum still yelled to his back, “Hey, explain!”

Needless to say, he did not get any kind of clarification.

At first, Jaebum decided to deal with his curiosity in the same (unhealthy) way he had been dealing with it for the most part of his life – by doing absolutely nothing. It seemed to be working pretty well; schoolwork started snowballing on him eventually, so during those rare occasions when he had time, Jaebum spent it either sleeping or catching up with his friends, whom definitely did not include Jackson Wang. The latter, even though always making sure to greet him smiling as widely as possible before their sociology classes or make some small talk when it became absolutely unbearable, never brought the topic up again either.

And yet, sometimes Jaebum did look at the piece of paper with Jackson’s number on it, now securely hidden in his phone case. Not that he necessarily wanted to go out with Jackson, Jaebum consoled himself, he just wanted to know the full story.

So one day – or, actually, one middle of the night – potentially not so sober after celebrating the “week of the dead”, how they called midterms, Jaebum did end up texting Jackson.

**[02:47] hey what rly happdn bac then > jb**

[02:50] as much as itd be entertaining to see where

this goes with u texting drunk, im gonna spare

you the embarrassment

[02:51] meet me at the food court 12pm tmrw

To be fair, Jaebum didn’t manage to stay awake long enough (read: three whole minutes) to read the messages fresh; he was only awoken by the annoying slew of repeated notification ringtones half an hour before the meeting itself.

Jaebum’s roommate was still soundly asleep while he paced around in the speed of light both cursing himself for (once again) texting someone drunk, and that someone being Jackson, and trying to make himself look somewhat presentable for a public appearance. In the end, he ran out of the dorm with his hair not brushed at all and his shoelaces undone.

“Someone indeed looks fresh and perky.” Jackson laughed when Jaebum less than gracefully almost landed face first into the food court after slipping on freshly mopped floor. Thank god, it was Sunday, so there weren’t a lot of students to witness his misery. “Didn’t know what you usually eat, so I took only some ramen. And coffee, you definitely look like you need some.”

Jaebum gratefully feasted on the food he was given; only when he was done, he finally remembered what actually he was here for, when Jackson matter-of-factly asked, “So?”

“What?” Jaebum mumbled, diligently slurping the noodles like his life depended on it.

“You finally made good use of my number.” Jackson noted, taking a bite of a sandwich he bought for himself. “What gives?”

“First of all, I’d like to establish the fact that I was drunk when I texted.” Jaebum said defensively, but his ears were getting almost as red as the hoodie he was wearing. “And _maybe_ I was curious about what you said in the class.”

Jackson started laughing for some reason.

“There was no story. I was new to the dorm, my friend told me to meet him in his room. I was probably texting someone in the elevator, so I got off in the wrong floor. You live right below my buddy, and he’s an RA, so he might or might not have borrowed his one-for-all-the-doors card for me – don’t mention it to anyone, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal – so I went in. And… Yeah, you know the rest.”

Jaebum couldn’t decide on the spot whether the story was infuriating or just anticlimactic.

“So… When you said that thing…” he started out, trying to be subtle for once, but Jackson seemed to have none of his shit.

“What thing?”

“That you went to ask me out, and only then this whole mess happened…”

Jackson shrugged. “I had to make sure you get interested, hadn’t I?”

Jaebum thought about it for a second. Made sense though, as much as he hated to ever admit it, he just wasn’t good at staying still when he didn’t know something.

“And why are you so set on asking me out?”

It was Jackson’s turn now to be unsure if he was scandalized or if this entire thing was just anticlimactic.

“Because I find you cool, you have some – even though weird – sense of humor… Ow, stop throwing stuff at me—” Jackson frowned when Jaebum threw a napkin at him for calling him weird. “And you can handle someone like me and not run away… Well, you did run that time, but _after_ me,” he laughed again, and Jaebum’s lip corners tugged up as well, remembering how he chased Jackson with nothing but a towel on.

“But you don’t even know me!” Jaebum stated, putting his chopsticks away, feeling the bliss of a full stomach.

“Call it love from the first sight! And well, the first sight was spectacu—I swear to god, if you throw something again—” Jackson grinned, seeing how Jaebum’s eyes were shooting around to find a new weapon. “All the greatest love stories began with love from the first sight!”

“Name one.”

Jackson scratched his head, thinking. “Romeo and Juliet?”

“They were dead in three days.” Jaebum deadpanned. “And I don’t have a cousin who wants to marry me.”

“Brave of you to think you’d get to be Juliet here.” Jackson bit back, but he was clearly running out of ideas. “ _Anyway_ , I’m asking you out and that’s on that. I’ll be really sad if you refuse, so please?”

Jaebum tried to pretend to be thinking for a good minute, but his smile already gave the answer away. Jackson can be very convincing when he wants to.

Their first real date was somewhat of a cliché. They ended up in the most romantic coffee shop in the entire district; it was full of heart cutouts, even though Valentine’s day was only in a few months, there were a lot of couples holding hands and openly kissing; the coffee was way too sweet and overpriced. They settled for it though, because hey, it’s the company that matters, not the surroundings, and to Jaebum, Jackson was a really good company.

Jackson talked. He talked a _lot_. Jackson talked so much that Jaebum had a hard time keeping up with everything that was coming out of his mouth.

Jackson was born in Hong Kong. Jackson liked hip hop and fencing. Yes, the combination was weird. Jackson disliked stuck-ups and not being able to achieve what he wants. He almost become a real athlete. He liked cheese a lot. Jackson also liked Jaebum a lot.

Jaebum thought he liked Jackson too, so he kept up with all the trivia Jackson is throwing at him, always, _always_ making sure Jaebum gets bombarded with questions back, so it wouldn’t be a monologue. Jaebum definitely loved Jackson for that.

After a few hours when the manager of the said coffee ship threw them out, because it was way past closing hours – Jackson somehow succeeded in begging to let them stay for an additional hour before that – they ended up outside in cold. The weather was truly so untypical for mid-November and so chilly – Jaebum’s not proud of the comparison – he could feel snot in his nose literally freezing into ice.

Jackson had mentioned before that he had some stuff to do, so they weren’t going to return to the campus together; but suddenly everything became too awkward. They didn’t know how to say goodbye now.

“Well, now would be a great time to press our bodies together to share some heat.” Jackson noted, and for the first time in his life Jaebum saw him flustered.

And that was what Jaebum also loved him for – all the things he couldn’t or didn’t want to say in order to not appear hopelessly soft and mushy, Jackson always said out loud. Sometimes, he even made it sound like Jaebum told it first, and he only supported the idea.

“I think usually people call it a hug. Might be different in China, I don’t know.” Jaebum said, trying to ignore his heart beating like crazy, which, he was sure, had nothing to do with the hypothermia they were about to get.

Jackson had always been a very physical person; he always felt the need to touch and have contact with another person, so it wasn’t a big deal for him to squeeze Jaebum like there was no tomorrow. Even if his cheeks were a little more pink than usual.

Suddenly, Jaebum felt something, and after lifting his head up, he confirmed – the first snow of the year. Hard, cold and clumped together, snowflakes were falling everywhere – on the streets, on their faces, in their hair.

Jackson, still not breaking the hug, smiled, “You know what they say about the first snow?”

“What?”

“That you have to kiss the person whom you see it with.”

“Nobody says that.”

“Shut up, Im Jaebum.”

Jaebum didn’t even manage to question the logic behind this when Jackson kissed him. And even though he had never dreamed of a movie-like kiss, where it felt like everyone around them will bust a dance number and throw confetti, it felt somewhat like that.

Jaebum’s heart felt like a balloon about to fly out of his chest.

“Text me when you get back,” Jackson said with another light peck on his lips, and Jaebum only weakly smiled at it like a dumbfounded fool.

And maybe he really was, because he realized he had lost his gloves somewhere, and Jackson was now giving him his, basically pushing him into a subway station so he wouldn’t get a cold.

It never really stopped snowing after that, for the entire winter. It was the coldest winter anyone remembered; even classes got cancelled for a good while.

Jaebum and Jackson didn’t mind it at all, because Jackson’s roommate moved of out the dorm for the time being, and they could spend entire weeks together unbothered, watching movies on Jackson’s barely working laptop and cuddling. That was Jaebum’s favourite part, the cuddles, even though he hated to admit it.

It had been a month since they started dating; final exams of the semester were just around the corner, most likely to be taken online due to classes still being cancelled.

Jackson still loved to talk a lot. He was still loud and sometimes got on Jaebum’s nerves for that, especially now that they were basically hibernating in the same room for days on end, still learning new things about each other.

Jackson always left his socks everywhere. Jaebum would rather die than put the toothpaste back in its place. Jackson will give him a heart attack one day, waking him up to casually strike a conversation at the asscrack of dawn. Jaebum will give a heart attack to himself sooner than that by drinking this much coffee. Jackson really though that the yeti is real, and he was going to be the one to reveal it to the world.

Jackson was still great.

And yet, all of it just wasn’t for Jaebum.

If anyone asked him whether he loved Jackson, Jaebum wouldn’t have missed a beat before saying yes. Jaebum would jump off a cliff for him, Jackson was like a family, like a brother he never had. Turned out, that wasn’t exactly how it should work romantically. Yes, Jackson was great and everything they had together was great, but… At the same time it wasn’t, and it was slowly killing Jaebum.

He didn’t even know why – from the first glance, he should’ve been thanking all the gods out there. Jackson was funny, good looking no matter how hard he tried to deny it; Jackson was a great person, all that. Heck, they had never even gotten into an argument bigger than who was paying for takeout… and yet. Something was missing in that relationship.

“You look like you’re thinking really hard, and that frown is not exactly a good look on you.” Jackson told him one morning. It was barely eight, still almost entirely dark outside, so Jaebum wasn’t even sure how Jackson noticed him being awake.

“I was just thinking…” Jaebum mumbled, but he thought he owes Jackson at least being transparent. “About us.”

Jackson sleepily chuckled somewhere next to his ear. “After watching as many shitty romcoms as we did for the past month, I can tell that you’re either going to propose to me or dump me, so just go for it.”

Jaebum sat up in the bed. “First of all, those movies were good, thank you very much. And second…” he trailed off. “I just… I don’t really think it’s working out between us.”

Jackson also sat up, eyes still sleepy and hair sticking out in all the funniest directions, but his voice was extremely clear. “Oh my god, Im Jaebum you really _are_ dumping me.”

“I’m not—” Jaebum tried to make it sound better, but was there really a way to do so? “Listen, you’re great, really. Awesome, even. But it’s just… Not for me?”

Jackson – to Jaebum’s biggest surprise – nods.

“Yeah. I figured. It’s nice and all, but it’s like something’s missing, and I don’t know what either. I wanted to bring this up a few times but decided that maybe I’m just being paranoid and about to destroy what I really loved having.”

Jaebum exhaled in relief. So it wasn’t going to be as terrible as he thought. No tears, no anger, no bottled up feelings finally exploding. Just something perfect they thought they have turning out to be _too_ perfect, therefore not perfect at all.

“Still feels shitty to be dumped like this.” Jackson added in a shrug, but he was joking. “You know, like when you say a really good joke but say it too quietly, and then someone repeats it louder, and only then everyone laughs?”

Jaebum laughed, a bit in both awe and disbelief at how Jackson’s brain worked. He truly was something else.

“Having a breakup compared to a joke is a little messed up, don’t you think?” He said, trying to find his shirt under Jackson’s bed. “But if it bothers you so much, you can dump me too.”

“Can I also throw some things at you, like in those movies?” Jackson eagerly asked and Jaebum only vaguely shrugged in response. “Great.”

Jackson got out of the bed himself taking Jaebum’s shirt out of the latter’s hands, and loudly said, “Okay, Im Jaebum, that’s it, we’re done. There’s no “us” anymore, and, uh,” he stopped, trying to remember more cheesy lines from movies, “stay away from me, from now on you’re dead to me.”

To top it off, Jackson threw the said shirt at his now ex-boyfriend. Jaebum caught it in one swift motion though, so it kind of defeated the purpose, but Jackson was satisfied, nevertheless.

“Also,” Jackson said when Jaebum was about to finally return to his room after what seemed like years. “We did agree to study for that sociology final together, so don’t forget to bring your ass to the reading room on the 7th floor tomorrow. Oh, and you’re also buying snacks. Bye!”

Jaebum only laughed, waving at him.

There are love stories which have only two possible endings. Either a good one where the lovers get their happily ever after together; or a bad one, where they break each other’s heart irreparably. Jaebum and Jackson’s love story wasn’t one of those – their happy ending was their breakup. They thought of it as one big adventure, and after adventures like that you can’t really help but become lifelong friends.

And what other kind of friends would call each other at 4 am to ask for a favor.

“Hey, I know it’s kind of late—” Jackson quickly started. It was three months after they broke up, with spring and their second year in university slowly approaching.

“ _Kind of_?” Jaebum growled into his phone. “What do you want?”

“This is going to be a lot but listen.” Jackson said.

It indeed was a Whole Lot – it was absolutely crazy, Jaebum thought. Jackson told him a story of how a friend of his was going through a bad breakup, but everyone believed he and his boyfriend truly were made for each other, so Jackson now had a Plan.

And that plan was for Jaebum to pretend dating this one certain Choi Youngjae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me tell you not all the breakups are gonna be so pretty here lmao but hey mark made a cameo! as always, comments are very appreciated, and take care!


	3. Party cups

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: keeps away from using curse words in chapters, bc it is a story told to literal children as per the plotline  
> also me: alcoholic7 
> 
> anyway hello the mess continues, we have youngjae on today's episode!! this was written looping 'dj had us falling in love' unironically, so rip.
> 
> also, this has a slight blood tw, but no worries, no one's dying, ppl are just being disastrous gays here.

In theory, Jackson’s plan of Jaebum dating this Choi Youngjae was pretty much solid. There was a party coming up in a club near the campus, students’ night, or something like that – even though Jaebum had his doubts about going because a bunch of frat guys being frat guys was never his thing. 

According to that plan, Jaebum had to go together with Youngjae, show off their “relationship” a little to the latter’s ex, who was definitely going to be there; maybe a kiss or two if they were truly committed, and then the magical forces of the universe were supposed to bring the two lost lovers together. Jaebum was supposed to get a few beers and an imaginary Good Friend badge and head home. 

And yet in practice, much like other Jackson’s twisted creations, the plan was about to tank real quick – mostly because Youngjae wasn’t aware of the said plan. 

That early Friday morning all three of them were supposed to meet in some campus café; it was a little too suspicious how Jackson, who had never been on time in his entire life, already was sitting at the corner table and waving to Jaebum, pointing at the much-needed coffee he bought for his now ex-boyfriend. 

“What’s up?” Jaebum knowingly asked, but not before taking a big slurp of his iced americano. It tasted exceptionally good today, perhaps because he wasn’t the one paying for it. “Where’s our breakup guy?” 

“Well...” Jackson started, “The good news is that I promise to never do anything similar ever again...” 

“What.” 

“Thing is, Youngjae doesn’t know about any of this.” Jackson interrupted, perhaps hoping that if he word-vomits this rapidly, Jaebum won’t understand a word and won’t slaughter him on the spot. “He’s... Not exactly the type to be down for things like that, and I just really wanted to help, so please, play along and maybe this is going to turn out alright?” 

Jackson was incredibly lucky that morning because Jaebum was still way too sleepy and he never thought that a criminal record of public violence would be a good addition to his resume. That was the _only_ reason why Jaebum hadn’t stuck the straw of his coffee in unspeakable places of Jackson’s body. 

“What’s going to turn out alright?” They heard another voice behind them. That must’ve been Youngjae. 

To be fair, Jaebum thought, awkwardly greeting the guy – he went for a handshake at the same time as Youngjae lazily waved at them – maybe Jackson made some points talking about the guy. He _did_ look like all the demons of dating hell had been unleashed on him. 

It was that distinct breakup stare he constantly saw in his friends (never in himself post-Jackson though, thank god) - the beaten-down tiredness of sleepless nights rethinking every possible conversation and trying to pinpoint where exactly everything went wrong; the annoyance caused by anyone being even remotely happy. 

Barely brushed dark brown hair, sleepy eyes and a worn-out hoodie of their university’s choir didn’t exactly make things any better; however, Jaebum decided to give those a benefit of doubt, because it could also have meant only a wild night prior. 

Jackson pleadingly smiled at Jaebum, but the latter was not having it. Fake dating based on a mutual agreement of both parties involved was one thing in Jaebum’s books, and it was fine, really – fake dating someone when the said person has absolutely no clue about what’s happening... That was a big red no. 

“Us dating, apparently,” Jaebum said, making space for them all to sit together. Jackson kicked his leg under the table, and damn it _hurt_ but Jaebum wasn’t about to back down. 

“Excuse me, what?” Youngjae asked, with a confused smile, gaze repeatedly shifting between Jackson and Jaebum. 

“Jackson hasn’t disclosed his master plan to you yet,” Jaebum smiled, playing with the remains of his drink. “But I’m sure you’re in for a wild ride.” 

Jackson’s cheeks turned tomato red, as a sigh followed, “Frankly speaking, you look like shit ever since you broke up with--” 

“Don’t mention that name out loud, thank you,” Youngjae said. 

“ _Anyway_ ,” Jackson continued, shooting Jaebum his classic “I told you it’s really this bad” look, “There’s this party coming up next week, and Jinyoung is supposed to be there too. So, I thought that you should go there with a date and show him how badly he’s missing out, all that, and then you both end up back together.” 

For a second, Youngjae didn’t say anything. He simply stared at Jackson either like he had completely lost his mind or like he wished a thunder would strike his friend for good. Then, Youngjae started laughing. His laugh had a nice ring to it – clear, unrestrained, loud enough to earn a few stares from nearby tables. Jaebum chose to ignore the fact that it also sounded a little like Youngjae was about to go on a killing spree and Jackson was supposed to be his first victim. 

“And he,” Youngjae pointed at Jaebum when he finally got himself together. “Is supposed to be my date. If that’s your plan, Jackson, you need another one.” 

“Hey!” Jaebum mumbled, _maybe_ taking Youngjae’s remark a little too personally. “I’d make an exceptional fake boyfriend.” 

“We’re not doing this. Jinyoung and I broke up, that’s on that,” Youngjae said, completely ignoring Jaebum’s words. “So let’s finish our coffees and pretend this never happened. This is the dumbest thing I've heard in a while, and that’s huge considering I'm friends with you.” 

Jackson flailed his arms as if he was trying to get the attention of the entire café. 

“Just listen, you stubborn prick! Do you want to get him back? Yes, you say. Oh, _come on_ ,” he rolled his eyes at Youngjae’s feverish headshake. “Do I know the way to make it happen? Yes, I say. And is it going to work? Also yes.” 

Youngjae buried his head in his palms for a second, his chocolate milkshake he got a few minutes ago completely forgotten. Then he directly addressed Jaebum as the second voice of reason in this trio. “Seriously, what kind of dirt does Jackson have on you that you agreed to do this?” 

Jackson spoke way too soon, unable to keep his mouth shut offended like this, “Hey, I don’t keep dirt on my exes--” 

Youngjae frowned, trying to connect the dots. “Wait, so you... dated?” 

“Yeah,” Jaebum confirmed, finishing his coffee with a loud slurp. At this point, he was absolutely sure he was going to need another one. “We remained friends, why, is that so weird?” 

“Staying friends with your ex isn’t weird,” Youngjae laughed, for the first time during this entire meeting looking amused, “What’s weird is your ex trying to set you up for a fake dating gig with his other ex.” 

“ _What.”_ now it was Jaebum’s turn to look at everyone like the entire world was going crazy. And it was, in a way. “So you two dated, too?” 

Jackson, of course, kept silent, looking his he was praying for the floor to open up and swallow him whole (and that was what he deserved anyway, in Jaebum’s humble opinion); so Youngjae, understandably a bit taken aback but still with certain humour to his voice, did the most of explaining. 

“Yeah, last year. Didn’t quite work out, so we split up. And then the classic story – Jinyoung was the rebound guy until he wasn’t anymore, and then it went to shit.” It was a little hurtful to talk about Jinyoung so casually though, so Youngjae immediately diverted the topic. “Does Jackson still not wash his socks?” 

“I thought I forced that habit out of him, but turned out that instead of washing it, he just throws it out and buys a new pair,” Jaebum enthusiastically replied, for a second happy about being able to give Jackson all the embarrassment he deserved and forgetting how indeed weird the situation actually was. 

Hanging out with your ex this much was questionable at worst, but hanging out with your ex and _his_ ex was really weird in Jaebum’s books. And a recipe for a disaster, definitely. 

“Oh my god, we didn’t get here to discuss my socks!” Jackson wailed, flailing his arms again to stop the two guys from having a field day discussing everything that had ever happened in their relationship. “We’re here to bring you and Jinyoung back together, and I won’t take no for an answer!” 

“Have fun here, I'm going to get another coffee for myself,” Jaebum mumbled when Youngjae immediately retreated into his battle mode. 

Jaebum took his sweet time picking a new drink because he saw Jackson and Youngjae getting into a pretty heated discussion – voices were rising and hand gestures were getting sharper and sharper; he was sure he saw Youngjae not so softly hitting Jackson’s shoulder a few times. He only came back to earth from observing the two when someone greeted him. 

“Hi.” 

It was the barista, but the greeting was way more informal than it usually was, almost like they knew each other. Jaebum was now looking at the guy with a poof of blonde hair and brown uniform leaning on the counter; something rang the bell in Jaebum’s mind, but he couldn’t figure it out. 

“You’re Jaebum, right? The ‘I think academic language is horrible’ guy, we had sociology together last semester. I’m Mark.” 

“Oh.” Jaebum now remembered; Mark Tuan was always sitting a few rows down from him in the class, and to be honest, from the way he sometimes answered the professor’s questions, Jaebum never figured out if the guy was failing the class or staying on top of the grade list. “Oh no, that guy’s Jackson,” he vaguely pointed to nowhere behind him. “I’m the ‘I didn’t do the readings, so I'm simply going to stutter’ guy. You work here?” 

Mark’s laugh was kind when he laughed at Jaebum’s self-deprecation. “Yeah,” he nodded. “Part-time. Ready to order?” 

Jaebum had a particular drink in mind, but Mark talking to him completely wiped all the previous thoughts from his head, so he went with iced americano again. 

It didn’t take long, Mark turned out to be quick at his job, and he smiled, putting the drink on the counter. “Enjoy, ‘didn’t do the readings’ guy.” 

“Thanks.” Jaebum smiled back. “Would love to hang out, but my friends are having a serious meltdown there,” he pointed at the table, where Youngjae was slapping Jackson’s shoulder once again. “Got to go save the day.” 

Mark only laughed in response, waving him off. 

When Jaebum finally returned to the table, only to be endlessly teased for trying to flirt out a free drink from the barista – which was _absolutely not the case, thank you very much_ (mostly because Jaebum was always horrible at flirting, and especially bad at doing that on a cue) - Youngjae and Jackson had finally come to a resolution of sorts. 

They were going to the party; now it was Jaebum’s turn to question what Jackson blackmailed Youngjae with to get this kind of a change in opinion. 

Jaebum was indeed right – despite it being an actual nightclub, it did remind of a typical frat boy party, they even had the red cups which were given out at the entrance, for god’s sake. However, the most confusing part of this entire evening to Jaebum was how exactly he was supposed to portray his role as Youngjae’s new head over heels date when the said Youngjae appeared to be less than willing to cooperate once again. 

“If you just as much as breathe towards me throughout this entire party without my permission, I'm going to smack you, and my smacks _hurt_ , ask Jackson,” Youngjae said to him when they met half an hour before the party, in response to Jaebum awkwardly trying to compliment his outfit. 

Youngjae indeed looked good – his hair brushed back just enough to look cool, but still careless, a simple short-sleeved T-shirt baring his really nice-looking arms, skinny dark jeans... If Jaebum wasn’t on duty tonight, so to speak, he would definitely be interested. 

“That’s not exactly how this is supposed to work, but whatever.” Jaebum shrugged, stretching his neck as if he was entering a sports competition, not a nightclub. “Anyway, who is this person whom we are throwing this entire show for?” 

He didn’t get a sufficient explanation until they actually got inside. It seemed like the culprit was already there when they entered because Youngjae’s face hardened and the red cup he got at the entrance was dangerously close to being crushed. 

“You have got to be kidding me.” Youngjae hissed, squinting his eyes at the sight of two dudes dancing together. Or maybe it was a ritual to merge into one entity – perhaps it was because it was too dark inside and there was too much smoke, but Jaebum had a hard time telling apart where one guy ended and another started; they were basically glued together. 

Turns out that Jackson with his genius plan didn’t count in one important variable – Jinyoung was also with a date. 

“I assume, your ex is one of them.” Jaebum unnecessarily noted but decided to shut up because Youngjae looked like he would gladly use Jaebum as a punching bag. 

“That one is Jinyoung, and this other one is... I don’t even know who he is, and I don’t care,” Youngjae vaguely gestured towards the couple; approximately a few hours later, Jaebum will really dread not asking for a clearer description – but that’s not the point now. 

The point was that Jackson himself was nowhere to be found, and Jaebum had always been quick to get bored – add Youngjae refusing to even move from the literal corner of the club if it wasn’t to scowl at the couple they’d been observing, and you’ll get a Jaebum who was way too eager to down all the shots and glasses of beer he’d been offered. 

Youngjae looked like he was having the worst time of his life when Jaebum was begging him to at least go for one dance with him; the offers were a little clumsy though because Jaebum was always a little lightweight and his legs didn’t feel as stable as he would’ve liked after seven shots and perhaps double the beers. 

“Come on, don’t be a wallflower,” Jaebum said, desperately trying to sound coherent. “Screw your dude, have fun!” 

Youngjae, clutching onto his drink like his life depended on it, didn’t look convinced. “I’m having plenty of fun right here, thanks.” 

“Jae, listen.” Jaebum sincerely said, putting his hands on Youngjae’s shoulders. “Never, ever, let a dude ruin your fun. Men are not worth it.” It looked like Youngjae skeptically smiled at it, coming, well, from a man himself, but a smile was something Jaebum could finally work with. “How did you two meet?” 

“He was a friend of Jackson’s,” Youngjae said, and for Jaebum wasn’t surprised. Jackson always did seem to pull random people out of thin air and befriend them. “So we used to hang out together a lot when I was dating Jackson.” 

Truth to be told, it was Jinyoung that fell in love first. It was obvious and a little painful for Youngjae to catch those longing, starstruck stares when Jinyoung thought nobody saw them. It was a classic tale of falling for your friend’s significant other – and up to this day, Youngjae couldn’t admit to himself that perhaps those stares were if not the reason why he ended things with Jackson, then at least contributed a great deal to it. 

And then Jinyoung became the rebound guy – even though much like Jaebum, Youngjae didn’t really feel all that sad about his relationship status change, Jinyoung was always there for him. To watch movies, sing dumb songs, practice for his choir sessions, do silly stuff. It wasn’t until Jinyoung drove all across the country to Mokpo where Youngjae was from, only to keep him company during the summer break last year, that Youngjae saw him in another light. In an actually romantic one. 

“Then why did you break up?” Jaebum asked, confused. 

“It was a stupid fight,” Youngjae sighed. “The one where it started from trivial stuff and ended up somewhere else entirely. He brought up Jackson, and I wasn’t in the mood, so we both said some dumb shit, and... That was it. It’s been a few weeks since we last talked, and I guess I just didn’t expect him to move on as quickly as he did.” 

Jaebum gave him an understanding pat, “It’s going to work out how it’s fated to. And now, _please_ , just have some fun, because I can’t stand seeing you moping around like someone kicked you in the guts.” 

It was only after midnight when Youngjae finally gave into Jaebum’s countless beggings and they started having an actually good time. Obviously, it didn’t happen without a few shots, quickly organized by Jaebum, but hey, the heavy artillery was needed here, wasn’t it? 

“I’m just so sad!” Youngjae yelled in Jaebum’s ear, trying to out-yell the music they were dancing to. “I love him so much, and I'm _so sad_!” 

“Then why don’t you go and tell him that!” Jaebum yelled back, trying really hard to form a coherent sentence. “He’s been side-eyeing you the entire night!” 

He wasn’t exactly lying – much like he and Youngjae, their respective targeted counterparts also looked like personified bummers upon noticing them, moping from one side of the club to another, giving them dirty looks more often than not. 

“You’re making this up!” Youngjae said, feverishly looking around. “They’re not even here anym--” 

It was the second most cursed moment of that party because as Youngjae was finishing his sentence, the people they were gossiping about accidentally bumped into them on the dancefloor. And in Youngjae’s devastated mind there was only one way to solve it – and unfortunately, it involved fulfilling Jackson’s plan. 

Or more specifically, kissing Jaebum with Youngjae’s entire might. 

It wasn’t the worst kiss Jaebum had ever had. Youngjae’s lips were soft and tasted a bit like cherries from his last cocktail. It was just that it was too sudden; as if someone had just punched Jaebum in the teeth. 

“Uh. Okay.” Jaebum could’ve sworn he heard one of the guys saying, and he couldn’t decide whether it was an acknowledgment of their extremely hard work pretending to be a functioning couple or just something you’d say at something that happened completely out of the blue. 

Maybe both at the same time. 

Jaebum, like a true gentleman though, waited for the couple to dance out of the sight before he held onto his mouth, which actually hurt. 

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry!” Youngjae wailed, cheeks flushed so red that it was obvious even in the darkness of the club. “I shouldn’t have done this, I don’t know what got into my mind, _oh my god your mouth is actually bleeding!”_

He was so shocked by his own actions that it took Jaebum a gentle, yet firm shake of Youngjae’s shoulders so he would knock it off. “Stop freaking out, I'm fine. I’m just going to find a bathroom to clean this all up. Don’t move anywhere, and most importantly, don’t do anything stupid.” 

Jaebum immediately felt a lot more sober after this entire mess, so his stride to men’s bathroom was a lot smoother than he would’ve imagined it to be. However, it was still a nightclub after all, with tons of students ready to let some steam off, and the line was huge even to get to the nearest mirror. 

Someone reached out a bunch of paper towels to him because his gums indeed were bleeding quite a lot from the unexpected collision with Youngjae’s jaw. And perhaps Jaebum was still not sober enough to realize that he was thanking none other, but one of the guys who just witnessed this entire disaster. 

“What happened, buddy?” the guy asked, and see, this was where Youngjae’s previous vagueness came into play. 

That actually was _the_ most cursed moment of that party, because drunk Jaebum was also a truthful Jaebum, so he, pressing a paper towel against his mouth, sincerely said, “See, this is what happens when you promise your friend to pretend dating his other friend to make his ex and his date jealous.” 

The guy seemed confused a little and amused a whole lot when he repeated, “Make me and my date jealous?” 

“Yeah, the dude you were dancing with the entire night.” Jaebum nodded, throwing the paper towel into a trash bin. The way the guy was smiling didn’t sit very well with Jaebum; however, he didn’t manage to say much, because the said dude took another bunch of paper towels, and proceeded to clean Jaebum’s face with it, because it still was, apparently, covered in bits of blood. 

“Thanks,” Jaebum mumbled when the guy was done. 

The latter only smiled, and Jaebum noticed how oddly he reminded of a kitten when he smiled, eyes forming these playful whiskers every time. 

“You shouldn’t out your plans to strangers like that, at a club’s bathroom at that. Kind of defeats the purpose.” The guy winked at him. 

“What do you mean?” Jaebum asked, the horrifying realization that he just majorly messed up slowly downing on him. 

“I’m not exactly sure why nobody briefed you on who’s who, but... I’m Jinyoung, Youngjae’s ex.” Jinyoung said, delighted. He was clearly having the best time here. 

And that was how Jaebum met Park Jinyoung; that moment was exactly how another story started, the one where he brought a storm on himself that almost ruined two friendships and definitely cost him his first serious heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mark is here again, and this time he talks!! what a great markbum story, with one of them only appearing to make coffee at chapter 3 jkhdsj pls bear with me, it will all make sense. eventually.
> 
> also @ jb... oof. 
> 
> anyway i hope yall like the mess, comments are always welcomed, stay safe and take care!


	4. Iced americanos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as per some post i saw on instagram, "if you understand what happens in this chapter, please tell me, because i have no clue"
> 
> edited heavily to the tune of ellie goulding's [this love (will be your downfall)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq4WRF6IZI0), because. it /is/ this chapter

Jaebum was absolutely sure he had seen it in a movie once. The protagonist fucking everything up so bad after series and series of unwanted coincidences that it cost him his friends, loved ones. His entire life in general, over something incredibly idiotic. 

Scratch that – maybe it wasn’t a movie after all; just the worst scenarios unraveling themselves in Jaebum’s mind after Jinyoung introduced himself. Jaebum could already imagine himself friendless after exposing the Grand Plan of Getting Jinyoung and Youngjae Together, living his entire life in seclusion with only a few cats who eventually will feast on him once he dies. 

Needless to say, twenty-one year old Im Jaebum was a tad bit too dramatic for his own well-being. 

The realization about his dramatics didn’t stop him from leaning against the ugly blue-tiled wall of the club’s restroom he was unfortunately still in, his teeth _still_ hurting. “Oh my god, they’re going to _slaughter_ me.” 

“They,” Jinyoung repeated quizzically with a wide grin, absolutely inappropriate in the current situation. “Who else was involved in this?” 

“Jackson came up with it.” Jaebum’s answer was truthful; his brain decided that if he started digging a grave for himself, he might as well do it till the very end. “Youngjae has nothing to do with this, by the way. He was against it from the very beginning, so--” 

Jinyoung laughed. “I sometimes wonder at what point we all got _this_ messed up.” when Jaebum lifted his stare to question the humorous, yet somewhat self-deprecating remark, he explained, “Youngjae dumped Jackson mostly for me, and yet Jackson is the one wanting for us to get back together. I mean... Pretty bizarre when you think about it.” 

“One more bizarre detail,” Jaebum said, with his smile a bit more relaxed now that it felt like Jinyoung wasn’t exactly mad. “I used to date Jackson, too.” 

“Christ, is _nothing_ sacred for him anymore?” Jinyoung judgingly shook his head, amused even more. “I appreciate your effort, not everyone would agree to get their teeth almost smashed out for this. But it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Youngjae and I had to work on some things but we didn’t, and it’s time to move on, I guess?” he shrugged. “By the way, the guy I'm with is not my date. I had hopes, but he’s just some annoying guy I fetched from a dating app.” 

“Don’t tell anyone about this, please,” Jaebum begged. “Especially Jackson and Youngjae. I’ll do whatever you want! I’ll do your homework for the entire semester! I’m good with numbers and languages!” 

Jinyoung, it seemed, had to clench his jaw in order to swallow down laughter when he said, “I study family law, numbers and languages won’t cut it for me, unfortunately. Unless you know how to conjugate advanced Latin verbs?” he jokingly asked, and before Jaebum even realized it was a joke, he patted Jaebum’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.” 

Jaebum sighed in relief, appreciating Jinyoung kindly saving him weeks, maybe even months of his friends’ wrath. However, it was time for Jaebum to return to the dancefloor before Youngjae got overly suspicious or worse – thinking that he killed Jaebum with his kiss or something. 

Jaebum must’ve started rambling about this out loud for some reason because Jinyoung smiled again, asking, “By any chance, aren’t you that guy from the last semester who talked shit about the sociology professor’s favourite author in class or something?” 

“Why does it feel like the entire university and their moms were enrolled in that class?” Jaebum rolled his eyes, fixing his shoelaces. “It was Jackson, he was saving my ass.” 

“I wasn’t in that class but rumours spread really quickly around the campus.” Jinyoung laughed. 

He laughed a lot and Jaebum felt a little weird for noticing it. Listening to his friends’ rants (mostly Jackson’s though, because Youngjae almost always refused to say a bad word about his ex-boyfriend), he got the impression that Park Jinyoung was this rather cold, prude straight-A student who wouldn’t know what a sense of humour was even if it punched him in the nose. 

“How come I've never seen _you_ around the campus?” Jaebum suspiciously asked. They were in the same year, it turned out. 

“Our university has like 7000 undergrads,” Jinyoung replied turning to go, after one more quick glance at a mirror. “You can’t possibly meet every one of them. Nice meeting you, Jaebum, would’ve loved it doing this under better circumstances. Maybe next time your mouth won’t be bleeding!” 

When Jaebum finally left the bathroom, feeling absolutely sober and deafened by heavy rap music which seemed to have gotten even louder than he remembered it being, Jinyoung had already disappeared into the crowd of raging students. Youngjae was waiting for him nearby the restrooms, looking relieved that Jaebum was still alive. 

“I think it’s time to get out of here,” Jaebum said and Youngjae tiredly nodded his head; unlike Jaebum, he was not feeling sober at all. 

That particular night wasn’t exactly the model example of how student parties should go; yet, much like how it happened with Jackson, Jaebum couldn’t help but feel like he made a new friend. It felt really nice. 

It took approximately a week and a half for karma for being a snitch to finally catch Jaebum and bite him in the ass. 

He, Jackson, and Youngjae were in the food court during their shared free period. The general idea was that they were supposed to be using the fact that the food court was almost absolutely empty during this time, and actually catch up on their homework. 

However, Jaebum got tired of this program really quickly, so he was standing in line for another serving of kimchi fried rice (read: a poorly hidden attempt to mask the fact that he hadn’t visited his parents in ages, and fried rice from the food court was somewhat of a homage to his mom’s homemade one). It took Jaebum only a moment to realize that Jinyoung was standing right next to him, asking a worker for two sets of kimbap to go. 

“Look who’s here,” Jinyoung greeted him. 

“Don’t talk to me,” Jaebum mumbled through clenched teeth, trying to carefully look around and make sure that neither one of his friends is looking at this side of the food court. Thank god, they weren’t. 

“What.” 

“We’ve never met, remember?” 

Jaebum still didn’t have the guts to tell his friends about Jinyoung knowing everything about that night. Jackson only got a short vague story of how the entire fake dating act didn’t work out because Jinyoung showed up to the club with a new love interest, how Jaebum got kissed-slash-punched, and that was it, no more questions. 

Youngjae didn’t remember many details about that night because he was truly hammered, and was slowly coming to terms with the fact that everything was truly over between him and Jinyoung. 

Maybe it was because Jaebum didn’t want to see the disappointed and betrayed faces of his friends, or maybe it was because his pride didn’t allow him to admit that he truly fucked up that night, but he still decided to – once again, overly dramatically – bring this secret to his grave. 

“Wasn’t that Jinyoung next to you in the line?” Jackson, however, was a lot more observant than anyone ever bothered to give him credit for. Jaebum both loved and hated it, more latter than former now, coming back with a tray full of food and all flustered. 

“I didn’t see.” he quickly said, stuffing his mouth with boiling hot rice, so he would have an excuse to keep silent. He had never been a good liar, to begin with. 

“He was standing literally next to you.” Youngjae flatly noted, putting his coursebook on music theory down. From the way, he said it though, it was evident that having to breathe the same air with Jinyoung without losing his cool was still quite a feat for him. 

“No, he wasn’t.” 

“Jaebum--” 

“There was no Jinyoung next to me, oh my god, let it _go_ ,” Jaebum fired back. A few grains of rice flew out of his mouth right on Jackson’s books. Way to be subtle, indeed. 

Jackson blinked at him a bit taken aback by this sudden snap. “What got your panties in a twist today?” he mumbled, wiping rice away from the paragraph he was reading. 

They didn’t talk much anymore that afternoon; Youngjae was a bit gloomy like he usually was these days, Jackson was still petty about Jaebum snapping. Jaebum himself... Well, he was busy being paranoid about all the four horsemen of apocalypse getting unleashed on him, if a single word about what happened in the club ever got out. 

“Heading to the library to finish my report,” Jaebum mumbled when he got sick of pushing the leftover rice from one side of the bowl to another. “Anyone cares to join?” 

Neither of his friends wanted to, what Jaebum was actually thankful for because he wanted to be alone for once. It took only about fifteen minutes into him doing some research for his domestic economy class for Jinyoung to appear in the library out of thin air and plop into a chair next to him. 

At first, it looked like he was determined to stick to Jaebum’s demands of never talking to him ever again; in the end, it was Jaebum himself who broke those rules. 

“How is it that we’ve spent more than a year on this campus without ever seeing each other’s faces, and now we bump into each other every five minutes?” he whispered, slightly leaning in. 

“I thought we’re not supposed to talk,” Jinyoung said with a stone-cold face while untangling his earphones. “Are you sure Jackson or Youngjae won’t pop out of your computer screen and bust us, or something?” 

Jaebum sighed, leaving his barely half-finished report alone. Analysis of Korean entertainment agencies’ yearly profits had to wait. 

“I’m sorry if I was rude in the food court, I’m just so _stressed_ ,” he mumbled. “I haven’t had the chance to tell them about what happened, so...” 

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “Very brave of you.” he then pointed at the screen of Jaebum’s computer. “You spelled it wrong, it’s embezzlement, not embezelement.” 

“I take it as ‘I don’t hate you’,” Jaebum said satisfied, making a mental note for himself to correct that typo. 

Jinyoung really didn’t hate him at all, it was quite the opposite. 

Things escalated quickly between them, rapidly even. 

At first, they hung out only in the library because Jackson had never set his foot in it, and Youngjae always used the one in his own faculty. Most of the times in the beginning, Jinyoung and Jaebum wouldn’t talk much, if at all, the only sounds reminding they have each other as company being fingers flying across their keyboards or pens scratching against paper crafting notes for their midterms. 

Sometimes, Jinyoung would bring lunch for them to share while sitting on the stairs of the emergency evacuation stairway to the roof – another place no one ever went to. Jaebum always brought coffee to these lunch breaks, because it was Jinyoung’s favourite. 

Jinyoung liked coffee. He also liked reading a lot. Jinyoung liked the spring weather, food court’s fried rice as much as Jaebum; his favourite colours were white and black, Jinyoung loved taking long walks, he wanted to become a divorce lawyer for some reason, he also loved old Korean songs. And, most importantly, he loved the _thrill_. 

Both he and Jaebum got a kick off hiding, that’s why their secret friendship was over in two more weeks, right after midterms, and turned into something much more physical. 

Jaebum loved Jinyoung dragging him closer for kisses in the most unspeakable places of their respective faculties; Jaebum found himself proud of all the white lies he told Jackson and Youngjae to ditch them to hang out with Jinyoung. 

There was only one rule for this, and they loved it – Jaebum and Jinyoung did not know each other outside empty auditoriums, the barely used janitor’s office of the law faculty, and the emergency evacuation stairway of the library building. 

It was like a game to them, and they were good at it; however, at one point, the lies slowly started to slip – by the two month mark, Youngjae had questioned way too many times where Jaebum kept disappearing for so long, so often. Worse, Jackson, with his _relationship radar_ thing he totally made up, was absolutely sure that Jaebum was in a relationship and made it his life mission to find out with whom. 

And the _worst_ , Jinyoung was slowly getting tired of being treated as Jaebum’s secret hobby he was ashamed of. It started off with passive-aggressive tones at first, concealed under layers of humour, when he’d tell Jaebum to stop kissing him because Youngjae was behind them, giving Jaebum a heart attack. Then, it slowly turned into bitter fights. 

“What gives?” Jinyoung asked one day when they were rather busy in their janitor’s office hideout. It smelled horribly of chlorine and carpet cleaner, and to be fair, Jinyoung had always been a little claustrophobic. Jaebum had just offered for them to go get coffee in the campus café, somewhere in between kisses. “Are Jackson and Youngjae out of town or something?” 

“What?” Jaebum frowned, lips still on Jinyoung’s neck while trying to ignore the stench that made him feel like he was in a poorly ventilated public swimming pool. 

“I thought not being seen together was our entire shtick?” Jinyoung stubbornly said, pushing Jaebum away. 

“Don’t start this now--” 

“Oh, I _am_ going to start this now.” Jinyoung crossed his arms on his chest, looking away. “It’s been three months, Jaebum, and frankly speaking, I'm tired of my role as your mistress or whatever. The world is not going to end if you tell them that we’re a thing.” 

It wasn’t like Jaebum had never thought about it. It really had been months since that dreadful party, Youngjae seemed to finally have _really_ gotten over his former lover, and Jackson... Jackson was so set on figuring out who Jaebum’s new attraction was, maybe he wouldn’t have even minded? 

He loved Jinyoung. Jaebum wasn’t expecting it, maybe diving into this only for what it was in the beginning – a meaningless fling, purely physical, something to give him the adrenaline rush he was craving for so much. However, it ended somewhere else entirely – in his whole twenty-one year of living on this earth, he could finally tell Jinyoung was his first _true_ love. 

But Jaebum was just as cowardly back then as he was dramatic, so all he said was, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” 

Jinyoung wasn’t mad, he was simply tired and _devastated_. He loved Jaebum, he really did – he never threw the L-word around carelessly – it was nothing like any of his previous relationships. The way Jaebum made him feel; the way he still looked forward to their secret meetings even if he tried to convince himself he really hated it. 

Jinyoung was so head over heels for Jaebum, he would’ve probably agreed to live in this smelly hell hole; he was absolutely sure Jaebum felt the same way, but suddenly a realization hit him. Maybe, just _maybe,_ it wasn’t enough? 

“Okay, I get that it might not be a good look on me to date half of my friend’s friends,” Jinyoung started rambling. “But I just don’t want to wait till we’re, like, thirty to be able to date freely only because we didn’t find anyone else better for ourselves.” 

Those words were a real promise between them – once they half-jokingly half-seriously agreed that if this entire fling for one reason or another won’t work out between them, and if nothing ever works out for either of them by the time they’re thirty, they’re going to marry each other. 

And now it only hurt Jaebum, the fact that he was the one to have enough audacity to come up with this abhorrent idea. 

“Can we talk about this later?” Jaebum asked. “I’m about to pass out here, and I promise, I'm going to figure out how to tell them soon.” He kissed Jinyoung’s forehead to seal his promise, and well, Jinyoung had always been a sucker for forehead kisses. 

So off they went, still abiding by the rules they had created and walking with a good distance between themselves to reach the said café. 

It was Mark’s shift again today, as he waved to Jaebum after seeing him entering. The scowl of Jinyoung’s face seeing this was evident from afar, as Jinyoung went in first and sat at the corner table to pretend he was reading one of the menu leaflets. 

“Long time no see,” Mark smiled at Jaebum when the latter came to the counter. “Did saving the day back then really take _this_ long?” he referred to Jaebum’s words he said the last time he was here, plotting the dating affair with Youngjae and Jackson. 

“I gave up on being a hero,” Jaebum laughed, wondering whether Mark remembered what he talked about with all of his customers. “I actually really need someone to save the day for _me_ now. Anyway, that’s not interesting at all, can you give me two iced americanos to go?” 

“Sure thing.” 

As usual, it didn’t take long for Jaebum’s order to be put on the counter, accompanied by the widest grin Mark’s mouth could produce. “Hey, if there’s anything I could do to help with that matter you need a hero for, I'd be down for it.” 

“You’re really kind,” Jaebum smiled back, but this smile wasn’t as cheerful as the barista’s. “But I don’t think you’d be able to do anything. However, we both should hang out somewhere else instead of this coffee shop for once.” 

“I finish my shift at 8 PM if you have time.” Mark beamed. “Do you--” 

His question, however, was mercilessly cut off by Jinyoung, who was now standing glued beside Jaebum and taking his cup. “He has a boyfriend.” 

“I was about to ask if he needs straws for the cups, but thank you for your input,” Mark replied, but the smile on his lips got colder by several degrees. 

Jaebum thought that he was getting the urge to poof into thin air and never reappear way too often for the past few months. “You,” he pointed at Jinyoung, “Knock it off. And,” he turned to Mark apologetically, “Raincheck?” 

“Sure,” Mark said, but there was no more enthusiasm in his voice. 

“What is wrong with you?” Jaebum hissed when he and Jinyoung were finally outside, back to the scorching heat of approaching June. “Do you plan on scaring all my friends off so you could have me all for yourself?” 

Jinyoung only rolled his eyes, taking a big slurp of his coffee. That Mark dude at least made good coffee, he thought to himself. “He was flirting with you, dumbass. As your boyfriend and future family law specialist, it’s my duty to kindly tell people like that to fuck off and not ruin a family.” 

“That was your _kindly_?” Jaebum deadpanned. “And he was definitely _not_ flirting with me, he’s just a guy I've had a class with once!” 

“I thought you said he’s your friend, so pick one. Or is he another one of your secret boyfriends and you can’t keep your story straight?” Jinyoung fired back, and then it was on, and on, _and on_ all the way back to the faculty. 

It was their biggest mistake, letting their guards down enough to fight in public, walking side by side with Jinyoung unknowingly still holding Jaebum’s hand – everything the latter had always advocated against. Voices were rising, the debate was getting more and more heated, attracting a few stares of a few passersby... Most importantly, it got the attention of one particular passerby, who was waiting for the green light to cross the intersection to a subway station. 

“Wow.” Youngjae didn’t need a lot of words to describe his feelings of that moment; the way he said it made it all very clear. 

Jaebum, to his own horror, could see all the feelings he was so afraid of seeing one day pooling in Youngjae’s eyes – surprise, confusion, betrayal. Disappointment; that one hurt the most because Jaebum spent the past months actively avoiding this exact stare. 

“I can explain.” Jaebum started, but Youngjae silenced him with one light motion of his hand. 

“For how long?” that was the only explanation Youngjae was interested in. 

“Almost three months,” Jaebum admitted, defeated. The traffic lights at the intersection kept changing, yet all three of them were stuck at the same sidewalk, with legs feeling like made of rocks. “We met in the restroom of that club, and I accidentally told him about our scheme. And then we kept meeting at the library, and then... we started seeing each other.” 

“Wow,” Youngjae repeated, but this time it was full of distaste. Then, he simply walked away because the light had turned green once again. 

For a second, Jaebum and Jinyoung stood there in silence, stunned by this turn of events. Up until Jaebum’s brain decided to ruin everything completely, of course. “Thanks for being so helpful here.” 

“What was I supposed to say?” Jinyoung told defensively. “We broke up months ago, we’re not even _friends_ anymore. I don’t owe anyone an explanation about us, I don’t give a damn. You clearly do, though.” 

“Yes, because he’s my friend!” it came out of Jaebum’s mouth a little angrier than he intended. “And now I lost two of them because he’s definitely telling this to Jackson.” 

“You need to make up your mind,” Jinyoung said matter-of-factly. “Are their opinions more important than me?” 

Jaebum had always been loyal to boot, too loyal almost; Jinyoung knew the answer even before he finished his sentence. Bros before hoes, as crude as it sounded, was deeply ingrained in Jaebum’s entire existence, and Jinyoung bitterly smiled when Jaebum couldn’t answer the question. 

A tiny part of him expected that Jaebum will run after him, or at least will try to reason with him. But Jaebum kept standing there, at the intersection. Both a literal and figurative one. 

Jaebum was right about one thing, though – it didn’t even take a whole evening for Jackson to find out. 

He always kept repeating to Jackson that he was a pain in Jaebum’s ass and that he didn’t know why they were still friends. Yet, Jaebum came to realize how much he loved that pain in the ass only when he sat on a chair in the dorm lounge next to Jackson, who was working on some paper, and didn’t get any kind of reaction. As if Jaebum had never existed. 

“I know you’re mad,” Jaebum said after a few minutes of radio silence. 

“You should go say that to Jinyoung,” Jackson told, taking his earphones and plugging it into his computer, demonstrating how much he didn’t want to hear Jaebum right now. “Can’t imagine he felt really good having to hide all the time.” 

“We broke up,” Jaebum told. “Sort of. He walked away and I didn’t follow.” 

Jackson was absolutely unfazed. “Oh no, I'm so sad about that.” 

“Listen...” 

“You don’t understand, do you?” Jackson finally turned to him. “It’s not about you dating Jinyoung, though I'd rather you didn’t. It just sucks that you don’t trust me at all.” 

“I trust you with my _life_ ,” Jaebum swore, only to be mercilessly shut down once again. 

“You were sneaking out with Jinyoung behind our backs for _three months._ Not even once you sat down with anyone of us and said, hey guys, shit happened and I think I ended up dating Jinyoung. And that just makes me think, you know? Are we that scary that you can’t even tell us what’s happening with your life? Do you even think of us as your friends?” 

Jaebum sighed, knowing that Jackson indeed did have a point. “You know I do think of you as a friend. As a best friend, but...” 

“Well, you sure have a peculiar way of showing it.” Jackson’s stare shifted back to his laptop. “Sorry, I have a deadline.” 

Jaebum felt like absolute shit. 

Jackson and Youngjae weren’t returning his messages and desperate calls for a solid week now, Jinyoung wasn’t talking to him either, always looking somewhere through him whenever Jaebum would wait for him outside classrooms to have a chance to talk. 

Jaebum felt like he was suffocating, and that summer it had nothing to do with the humid hot air. 

Perhaps that was why he didn’t think much (read: at all) when he found a message in his university inbox about a summer school for economics and finance majors. In Thailand. He simply applied a bit in a daze, got in after three days of selections, and packed his suitcase to run away for two months. 

\-- 

“I didn’t know Jackson told you all that.” Jaebum’s husband says when their children are soundly asleep after another story. They kept their promise of one story a night, and it’s the third night he keeps coming back to their apartment to have a walk throughout their memories with Jaebum. Currently, they’re in the kitchen having the last cup of tea before separating again. “He didn’t have to be so mean about it.” 

“I’m not exactly proud of what happened either,” Jaebum shrugs. It's strange remembering it all, but it brings him some strange clarity and comfort nevertheless. “And it wouldn’t have look very good on me if I ever told that I was so devastated I ran away from an entire country. I’d much rather have you all thinking that I flew because I wanted to learn something.” 

Jaebum’s husband lightly smiles, trying to hold back a yawn. It was a long day. “It’s like we ourselves are learning some things telling this story. Anyway,” he says, putting the empty cup of tea down. “I really should get going, I have an important meeting with a client in the morning. The firm will kill me if I let this one go.” 

“You can just sleep here,” Jaebum says. “It’s your home too, and that’s never going to change.” 

The man only shakes his head. “I’d love to, but it’s better if I don’t. What if we fall for each other again by accident?” Jaebum wishes that he wouldn’t have said it like it’s a bad thing or something. “Raincheck?” 

“There should be a limit on how many times two people can raincheck each other throughout their lives.” Jaebum jokingly nags, but still accompanies his husband outside to wave him off until his car drives away from Jaebum’s sight. 

Sleep doesn’t come easily for Jaebum that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i really made jaebum, who dated jackson who dated youngjae who dated jinyoung, date jinyoung, what is wrong with me!!!! 
> 
> anyway, we're 3 stories in, meaning we've finally reached the middle of the fic, wooo!! one suspect less, because we eliminated jackson as the potential husband at the end of the chapter and i might've thrown in some hints who might be the husband... but we still have a whole trio of bambam, yugyeom and mark himself to see where they take jaebum lol. 
> 
> also mark made more coffee in this fic, and lowkey was the reason behind youngjae spotting the argument bc they were arguing about him!! don't yall just love this trainwreck.
> 
> anyway, comments are always welcomed, stay safe and take care!!


	5. On the sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as i say idek how to sort this entire mess out, enters bambam, stage left 
> 
> written obnoxiously looping poetri's [do you love me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6yO3CnN4L0) for those extra summer romance vibes

Jaebum’s first thought after landing in Bangkok that late June was how ridiculously _hot_ it was. His second was that it should be illegal to talk as much as Kunpimook “just call me Bambam, man—I mean hyung” Bhuwakul did. 

“How was your flight? Are you hungry? Did you get some sleep? How’s the weather back there in Seoul? Are you excited?” Bambam’s questions washed over Jaebum like the boy was a river, absolutely determined to engulf him whole. Only when Jaebum’s pause became a little bit too long, not knowing which question to answer first, or who Bambam actually _was,_ the Thai guy widely smiled and said, “Our university assigned me to be your buddy throughout your summer school. I’m here to help you get to the campus.” 

It made a lot of sense, the explanation – at least more sense than everything did before when Bambam pulled Jaebum, fresh out of the plane and frowning a wheel of his suitcase that was almost completely torn off, into a hug. Jaebum was already considering whether to physically fight this stranger or at least yell for airport security. 

“How do you speak Korean so well?” Jaebum asked, trying to squeeze in at least some sort of awkward small talk while they were pushing through the mass of people to exit the arrivals terminal. The fact that Bambam absolutely insisted on helping with his half-broken wobbly suitcase, what ended in Bambam carrying it by himself, didn’t help the said awkwardness at all. 

“Oh, funny story, actually.” 

And so for the upcoming forty-five minutes worth of a cab ride Bambam got them after what looked like a heated haggling session, Jaebum was listening about All Things Bambam. How his mom always loved Korean dramas and swooned over Rain. How Bambam was sent to a dance academy because all he did as a kid was copying his mom’s idol’s moves somewhat well. How he won a spot in some dancing camp led by industry professionals in Seoul around eight years ago. How he had to cram all the complicated grammar and words into his head before departing to Seoul in, like, two weeks. 

Jaebum had always been a good listener – this time he also understandingly nodded where it was needed, let out surprised _ohhh_ s and _ahhh_ s; he even laughed where it was appropriate. But actually, Jaebum barely heard any of this – watching how Bangkok’s suburbs were flashing in a blur through the cab’s windows, all he could think about was home and how much it hurt that Jackson still wasn’t talking to him. 

It was the longest they’d gone without talking to each other ever since they met. And even though Jaebum didn’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times he told that he hated Jackson and that he was a pain in the ass, it _still_ hurt to pass by in the dorms or anywhere else in the campus and not be able to say even a simple hello. It had been more than three weeks now, and in Jaebum’s opinion, it was more than three weeks too many. 

Not talking to Jinyoung also hurt, although in a way very different from Jackson’s. Jaebum had always laughed at tragic lovers peeking at their phones every half a second to check maybe they got a message from that special person. And yet, Jaebum couldn’t help himself, thinking that maybe, just _maybe_ , if he stared at his phone long enough, Jinyoung would call, or at least text. 

Very foolishly, in the heat of the moment, Jaebum even took it to his Instagram account to upload a quick photo he took just before boarding the plane to his story. However, in between a few of his friends wishing him a safe trip and some surprised emojis he received, there was no reaction from his former lover, despite having viewed the said story. 

While Jaebum was swimming through his murky thoughts, suburbs finally turned into the city of Bangkok – bustling streets with tons of people, sellers and buyers shouting in the markets they were passing by. To Jaebum, raised on the grey pavements of Seoul, everything was so, so full of color here; bright neon signs on stores were shining more than they did in Korea, reflections of blue skies bouncing off glassy skyscrapers were almost blinding. Green, yellow, red fruits being sold right there, on the streets, looked like they were made to burn themselves into Jaebum’s eyes. 

His new campus was huge. Scratch that, it was _enormous –_ when Bambam pointed at it in the horizon as their cab was finally approaching its destination, Jaebum didn’t even know where to look exactly. It was almost its own small district with shops, tiny coffee shops, and bookstores, newly renovated faculties looking like it should be inhabited by the royals at the very least, not twenty-somethings suffering for a degree. Heck, they even had fountains in the middle of the main campus square, Bambam explained to him – a little out of breath because he was set on dragging Jaebum’s suitcase to the dorms – not one fountain, not two, but whole _three_. 

The lady running dorm office sweetly smiled at Jaebum when he was trying to make that _sawatdee-krap_ roll out of his mouth effortlessly, but in the end, he only stumbled over his own tongue. Ten minutes of signing various forms and Bambam translating them, Jaebum finally got his dorm card and a copy of his schedule for the upcoming two months. 

“Great, you have Wednesdays and Fridays free, we will be able to hang out.” Bambam decided after sparing a quick glance at the papers when they were headed to Jaebum’s room. He himself was having some classes throughout the summer; Bambam was an engineering student, as much as Jaebum understood, at least. 

This time though, Jaebum at least made sure to get to his suitcase before the Thai kid, so at least the embarrassment about being a weakling was over. 

Jaebum’s room reminded a lot of the one he lived in back in Seoul. Almost identical two beds, two bookshelves, two desks, a minifridge, and a shoe rack. His roommate, some dude from China, was supposed to arrive only next week, problems with visa – Bambam kindly told him all this, even though Jaebum had no idea how he got his hands on such information. 

“Do you want to grab brunch together or something?” Bambam asked when Jaebum more or less settled in (read: dumped his suitcase on his bed and called it a day). “There’s a really nice place right next to the Economics faculty." 

“Actually... I kind of would love a nap more right now.” Jaebum apologetically smiled. He wasn’t even lying this time – a five hours long redeye flight with a screeching baby on board definitely took a toll both on his brain and dark eye circles. 

Thankfully, Bambam didn’t seem to be bummed out at all. He only smiled saying, “Sure thing! We’re having this welcoming party for summer school participants in the evening, if you want to join.” 

Jaebum tried his best to not show how a mere mention of the word “party” horrified him now. He sure had enough of them to last a lifetime, thank you very much. 

“I’ll think about it.” He promised, waving Bambam off, because the latter told he had some stuff to do elsewhere, so he couldn’t hang out any longer. “Thanks for everything!” 

Jaebum didn’t go to that party, even though he did wake up from his six hours long nap just in time for it. When Bambam bombarded his kakaotalk with messages, demanding to know his whereabouts, Jaebum lied about not feeling too well and added a “ _rain check?”_ because he truly felt awful about leaving Bambam hanging like this, as he was so genuinely excited about showing Jaebum literally everything in Bangkok. 

Bambam replied with a bunch of crying emojis and a threat that rain checks would better not become a constant part of Jaebum’s stay. 

Overall, Bangkok was great. Sure, it wasn’t home, but the overwhelming heat of midsummer was pretty close to it; his classes were actually interesting and he made quite a few new friends, his roommate who was studying International Economics back in China was also really cool. 

Jaebum got accustomed to the unfamiliar new language – he even signed up for the introductory Thai course, although he ended up regretting this particular decision. Something about these foreign sounds that he couldn’t possibly conjure in his throat made him want to rip his hair out. Bambam eventually had to interfere with Jaebum’s perfectionism, saying that Thai is truly an insanely difficult language to master, and even added that sometimes even he had a hard time understanding his mother tongue, for a better effect. 

That was another highlight of Jaebum’s Thailand adventure – Bambam. 

It was hard not to like the guy when the latter basically attached himself to Jaebum’s hip as if they were long lost siblings. Bambam taught Jaebum Thai (read: the master selection of the most vivid, delicious curse words that would get you slapped in no time), Bambam was there when he got homesick, when Jaebum didn’t know how to get from one place to another, when he still got lost even after countless of explanations and Bambam had to come and find him befriending all the neighborhood’s stray cats. Bambam was always truly only one call or message away despite it being asscrack of dawn for everything Jaebum ever needed. 

Jaebum was thankful for that. And later, he was overwhelmed for not noticing what it meant earlier. 

And the path to said realization started that one evening just a few weeks away from Jaebum's trip home. It was when Bambam finally got fed up with always getting rain checked and showed up at his doorstep at 9 PM on a Saturday evening, absolutely refusing to leave Jaebum alone to hibernate in his room and dragging him to explore a night market. 

Chatuchak market was undoubtedly the biggest one Jaebum had ever seen – sure, he and his friends sometimes would go to markets in Seoul to grab a drink or two while getting spoiled by lovely old ladies who kept adding food to their plates for free. Yet, Chatuchak was probably bigger and more chaotic than all the markets Jaebum had ever been to, combined. There were loads, _masses_ of people, selling, buying, singing, performing, yelling – to the point Jaebum didn’t really mind Bambam grabbing his wrist just after they entered, just so Jaebum wouldn’t get taken away by the crowds. Bambam was a local, he knew how to deal with these things. 

“We can look around first and then grab something to eat,” Bambam almost yells to him, trying to outvoice the crowd next to them, now watching some fire show and loudly cheering. Jaebum didn’t even bother yelling, just showed a thumbs up. 

Looking at it now, Jaebum can definitely say that despite how it ended, that evening was when he had the most fun in Thailand. Once he got used to the crowds and noise, they immersed themselves into what the market had to offer, making fun of each other for trying on the dumbest clothing (Bambam almost, _almost_ bought a bright pink flower-patterned cape for himself just to spite Jaebum, who was rolling his eyes all the time), grabbing various street foods on their way. 

For once, Jaebum was truly carefree and _happy_ ; thoughts about Jackson, Jinyoung, or Youngjae locked somewhere in the farthest corner of his mind. 

“I still haven’t bought you a present!” Bambam dramatically clutched onto his chest, gasping, as their legs were already burning from walking around for the past couple of hours. 

“Present? For what?” Jaebum asked, mouth full of fried bananas. 

“Just something you could take back home to remember Thailand and me, you know,” Bambam shrugged. 

Jaebum vigorously shook his head, saying that he was going to remember Bambam often anyway – who could forget such an elemental force, really? - and that he sure didn’t need to spend any more money on him. 

But did Bambam listen? Of course not. 

“This should look good on you.” Bambam told and Jaebum only kept staring at him, baffled. This time it wasn’t even because Bambam “forgot” to call him hyung for like the millionth time – Bambam was holding an extremely ugly shirt up as if trying to decide if the size will fit Jaebum’s enormously wide shoulders. “This muddy brown really emphasizes the philosophical pains of the universe you always have on your face.” 

“Absolutely _not_ ,” Jaebum almost shrieked, having an overly serious face being pointed out to him way more than he would’ve liked. But that wasn’t even the point – the point was that someone would’ve had to pay Jaebum to even touch something this atrocious-looking. “I’m never wearing this.” 

“Why do you have to be so boring,” Bambam sighed again, putting the shirt back onto the rack. “Hyung.” he quickly added, upon Jaebum’s protruding chin making a guest appearance. 

“Okay, let’s set some ground rules here. No clothes, nothing illegal, nothing worth more than 200 baht.” 

Bambam looked at him, then lifted his eyes to the night sky as if to ask why did the heavens send such a pain in the ass for him. Then he proceeded to drag Jaebum across alleyways and small shopping streets until they ended up in front of some jewelry shop. Bambam told him to wait outside because he sure couldn’t take any more whining and horrible fashion sense of Jaebum’s - especially the latter. 

It took good twenty minutes for Bambam to return – Jaebum was already starting to get worried – with something in his palm. A bracelet, made of small black beads and some seashells, simple enough for Jaebum to approve it. 

“How am I supposed to know how much you spent on it, though?” Jaebum asked knowingly. 

“180 baht, here,” Bambam showed him a receipt. “Knew you’re going to try and complain about this, so asked for the auntie running the shop to print one for me.” 

Bambam helped him to put it on, and Jaebum thanked the Thai guy perhaps a thousand times, promising to send something from Korea every week in return. Bambam’s face turned a little sad upon mentioning the fact that Jaebum was about to leave soon, and Jaebum didn’t feel happy about it, either. Time had passed by in a similar blur the suburbs did when Jaebum first arrived. 

“Do you want to see the sea?” Bambam finally asked. “Figured you never went to a beach here.” 

Jaebum, indeed, hadn’t. All of his trips in Thailand relied mostly on field trips organized for the summer school participants; for the most part, it was historic sites, museums, and similar places. So Jaebum didn’t really have to be convinced this time. 

The beach Bambam had in mind wasn’t far, and the guy knew his way around too well. Bambam always loved to sneak out and visit this particular place when he used to get tired from dance practices, he explained to Jaebum when they were pushing through some bushes to get to the favorite spot of Bambam’s. 

Jaebum had never been to a beach at night. And he regretted never doing so, it was so incredible – the sand they were now running around on was still warm from the day, there were almost no people. The waves were gently crashing into the shore and the night sky... That was Jaebum’s favorite part. So calming, with what seemed all the stars of their galaxy shining upon them. When Jaebum’s feet finally touched the warm water, he realized that _this_ was exactly what he was searching for when he ran away from Seoul. 

Thailand had this strange but pleasant serenity to it, where Jaebum didn’t have to think about anything. 

“What brings you here?” Bambam asked when they settled on the sand with a few cans of beer and tons of snacks to share. “To Thailand?” 

“I saw this ad for summer school in my email, so I decided to try,” Jaebum told, munching on potato chips, not exactly telling the truth, but not lying either. He had always preferred holes in truth over straight-up lies. “Somehow got in, now I'm here. I thought I already told you this.” 

“You don’t talk about yourself much, if at all,” Bambam noted. “You know my entire life story, probably including how many nurses there were during my birth, and the biggest thing I know is your zodiac sign. And even that’s only because I looked up your birthdate on the student registry, in case we needed to throw a birthday party for you.” 

Jaebum shrugged taking a sip of his beer. It was sticky, clinging onto his throat like a syrup almost. A little sweet, too. 

“I just... don’t talk much. In general.” 

Bambam was about to open his mouth, but whatever he wanted to say was interrupted by Jaebum’s phone making that distinct _ping!_ sound. Some habits truly do die hard, so it didn’t take even a moment for Jaebum to fish his phone out of his back pocket to check for a message he was waiting for so much all this time – only for it to be a follow request on Instagram. 

Jaebum recognized the name, it was Mark from the campus café. He didn’t think much of it though, quickly pressing accept and then the follow button on Mark’s profile in return before putting his phone down. 

“Parents? Friends? The love of your life?” Bambam teasingly asked. 

“Some guy I know from university back at home,” Jaebum laughed, laying down on the sand to see the stars once again. Bambam followed suit. 

Jaebum’s phone pinged once more, this time with a message from Mark. He smiled a little as he read, “ _hey_ _i_ _dont_ _think a rain check should last two whole months haha.”_

_“You’re absolutely right, but it would be kind of difficult to solve this right now_ ,” Jaebum typed back wondering how Mark still hadn’t forgotten their agreement. The smile on his face was short-lived because it reminded him that it was exactly how his and Jinyoung’s fight started, and how horribly it ended. 

“Do you have one, though? The love of your life?” Bambam wondered out loud. “Kind of hard to imagine you being all gooey and sappy with someone.” 

“Hey!” Jaebum turned his head to Bambam who was now searching for something in the night sky, it seemed, because his gaze was so fixed on it. “Just because I'm not the overly emotional type, doesn’t mean I can’t be in love.” 

“So you’re in love.” Bambam flatly noted taking a big sip of his beer. 

Jaebum shook his head. “No, not really. I went through a breakup just before I flew here,” he added and Bambam finally looked at him, eyebrows raised. “A pretty messed up story, really.” 

Bambam coaxed it out of his lips anyway. 

Not before another message from Mark came to Jaebum’s phone, however – this time it was only a bunch of question marks; to which Jaebum answered that long story short, he’d been in Thailand this entire summer, and was going to stay there for a few more weeks. But hey, maybe they can deal with it somehow once he came back? 

Bambam didn’t interrupt any of the stories Jaebum finally was telling him about his complicated and tragic love life. He simply kept nodding and only when Jaebum finished his tale, he said, “Wow.” 

“Yeah.” Jaebum laughed, a little bitterly. “ _Wow_ really sums up this disaster pretty nicely.” 

“Why don’t you talk to them yourself?” Bambam asked, a little too maturely than Jaebum would’ve liked because he was trying to avoid these thoughts. “If you miss them so much.” 

Jaebum didn’t have an answer to these questions yet, he really didn’t. He was sure he did his part of speaking those months ago when he was trying so desperately to catch Jinyoung after classes, or Jackson at the dorms. Jaebum had his pride too after all, and he didn’t want to go around begging anymore. 

It was silent for a moment between him and Bambam, then another response of Mark’s came. 

“ _thailand_ _?? wow awesome_ _haha_ _hows_ _it going so far?? And_ _yeah_ _we definitely can meet once you get back, no worries ahah”_

Usually, Jaebum replied to people with as little words as possible, as long as the main point of the message was still understandable. This time, however, he wrote an entire essay to Mark. How he flew into the country and lost a wheel off his suitcase, how he met Bambam, how much fun he was having. He also told that they were at a beach right now, he even sent Mark _photos_ of the sea. 

“What about you, though?” Jaebum asked tossing his phone away for god knows which time. “Do you have anyone special?” 

Bambam smiled, smile toothy and a little bit tipsy. “There are special people everywhere.” 

“You know what I'm asking,” Jaebum rolled his eyes. 

And that was where the night took a sharp turn. In the end, Bambam _was_ a love story of Jaebum’s; just a sad one, and the one that didn’t entirely belong to him, surprisingly. 

“You’re special, hyung,” Bambam said, sitting up. 

“Thanks.” Jaebum laughed, a little cluelessly; he didn’t really catch how serious and determined Bambam sounded. “But--” 

Bambam shook his head. “No, you don’t understand.” 

Then Bambam did perhaps the bravest thing he’d ever done in his twenty years of life. Even braver than quitting dancing behind his mom’s back, or learning a whole language in two weeks – he leaned in, despite his heart pounding like it was about to fall out of his chest, and kissed Jaebum. 

Jaebum froze, feeling Bambam’s lips on his. He didn’t know what to do and even if he miraculously knew, the kiss was so sudden he wouldn’t even have had time to say anything. Bambam, thankfully, seemed like he had read the mood even before he leaned back, burying his head into his palms. 

“I’m so sorry...” Jaebum could’ve sworn that people said that _way_ too often after kissing him; he didn’t particularly enjoy it. “God, I'm so stupid, I told myself I'd never do it, now it’s all horrible and ruined--” 

“Stop, _stop,”_ Jaebum firmly said. His phone was buzzing with yet another message, but this time it had to be ignored. “How long have you been feeling this way?” 

Bambam spoke with his face still hidden in his palms. “A while.” 

“A while?” 

“Since... Since your second week here, perhaps?” Bambam mumbled.

Everything finally became crystal clear to Jaebum. 

They started spending a lot of time together when Jaebum finally (almost) stopped moping around. That was exactly when they started to hang out constantly, spending more time together than apart. _Bambam_ _even introduced him to his family, for god’s sake_. Jaebum couldn’t believe how stupid he was all this time. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, not quite knowing what to say. 

Bambam incredulously stared at him, finally showing his face with cheeks flushed almost crimson red. “I confess and kiss you like a dumbass, and _you’re_ the one who’s apologizing?” 

“No, it’s not that...” Jaebum sighed, brushing his fingers against sand so that he wouldn’t need to meet Bambam’s stare. “I’m sorry if I ever led you on, or something.” 

“Oh god, no,” Bambam quickly interrupted. “You never did anything, and I should’ve understood it. Now that you told me your crazy story, it all makes sense. I guess I just saw you, a mysterious troubled foreigner, and went to town with the idea of it. And now I ruined everything.” 

It saddened Jaebum, the way how serious these words were; too serious to be coming from Bambam’s mouth. He deserved all the happiness in the world, at the very least. 

“You didn’t ruin anything. We’re still friends and will always be.” Jaebum promised. “We should go back though. It’s getting chilly.” 

They didn’t talk on their way home. They didn’t talk the other day, and the other one too. Jaebum knew Bambam needed time to deal with this; no matter how well it seemed to have ended, getting rejected still hurt – Jaebum would know, out of all people. 

Mark’s messages remained unread until many, many hours later. Jinyoung’s message got buried in Jaebum’s notifications too. 

Three weeks later when Jaebum was about to pass airport security on his way to Seoul, Bambam ran like he had never run in his entire life, to pull Jaebum in a tight goodbye hug. It was similar to the one Bambam gave him when Jaebum had just landed for the first time. 

“Text me every single day. Send letters via mail every two weeks.” Bambam mumbled, trying to hide how much he wished that the airport suddenly would go into an eternal lockdown. “And promise you will come back, hyung.” 

“I will,” Jaebum swore back then. 

Now, when the kids are soundly asleep, his husband is already out the door, and Jaebum is up for yet another sleepless night, he keeps thinking about all the promises he was never able to keep and the ones he fulfilled way too late. 

The bracelet he has gotten as a gift almost twenty years ago is on his nightstand; already a bit dull in color, but still characteristically black beads of it glare at Jaebum almost accusingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this truly was a whole struggle, because i always keep the maknae line on the sidelines (or even kill them off, lmao) of most of my fics, and now that i need to actually focus on them!! oh boy. but in the end, one-sided love stories are still love stories lol 
> 
> thankfully, we're slowly approaching the end, and mark's v persistent to make a first move to call out jaebum for his rain checks, so maybe something will happen that's gonna resemble a markbum fic lmao
> 
> this was edited trying to win over a thunderstorm because the power went out a few times already, so if there's some weird formatting or typos are even more obnoxious than ever before i'm sorry!!
> 
> anyway! i hope you all like it, comments are always welcomed! stay fresh, take care; and with everything that's going on in the world right now, stay educated, informed and safe! <3


	6. Intangible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after almost 19k words of having approximately two lines in every chapter, i finally present you all mark tuan!! originally it wasn't his turn yet, but i'm a week behind my usual update schedule and i'm just in constant missing mark mode, so it's a treat for me, mostly lol (and hopefully for you all, as well)
> 
> on this chapter's "let's pick a song and loop it into oblivion while editing" - public's [make you mine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tB48sKGi5ag)

All things considered, Jaebum had never considered himself to be terribly unlucky. 

Sure, streaks of unexplainable forces making all the possible things go sideways weren’t unfamiliar to him (hello – Youngjae, Jackson, Jinyoung and the past three months did exist, after all), but before returning to Seoul from summer school, Jaebum didn’t really pay it much thought. Shit happens to everyone, right? 

Only when he was strolling through the campus, fresh out of yet another redeye flight, Jaebum thought that maybe, just maybe he had done something horrible in his past life, and now the gods were out to get him. Because how else would you explain a pile of heavy boxes near a coffee shop, which were teetering dangerously towards him? 

He didn’t have much time to imagine himself going to the emergency room for a concussion that hot second during which his brain was connecting the dots, however; Jaebum didn’t account for one detail – and that detail was a certain Mark Tuan appearing out of nowhere and blocking the falling boxes with his back. 

(Almost Twilight style, Jaebum thought to himself later, but he wasn’t about to admit that he indeed did watch the teen classic. And _maybe_ even liked it a little bit.) 

“Are you okay?” Mark asked. 

“I should be the one asking that,” Jaebum stood there a little frozen, with his suitcase now on the ground completely forgotten, and with a few people looking at them like they were causing a whole mayhem this fine late morning. The way Mark frowned trying to straighten his back, though, told Jaebum that perhaps he shouldn’t be asking the obvious. “Who on earth put these boxes here?” 

“I did,” Mark replied, still wincing from the pain. “We got some packages for the café, and it’s my turn to deal with them. I thought it’s going to be quicker, so I stacked them here, and―” 

“And here they are, out to kill me,” Jaebum deadpanned. Now that the initial fright had subsided and thoughts about the gods being out to get him seemed a bit ridiculous, something else was making him feel all jittery, like after a big cup of coffee or a can of an energy drink. Jaebum couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly, though. “Need help with them?” 

“An additional pair of hands is always welcomed, but you’re with your suitcase, and...” It seemed like Mark fully _realized_ it only now, a good few minutes into the conversation. “You’re back from Thailand!” 

After the initial back and forth on Instagram they had when the entire Bambam turmoil was happening, they didn’t contact each other that much. Jaebum was a terrible texter, so he’d often forget Mark’s messages and would get too embarrassed to reply after a few days. There was also Bambam whom Jaebum just couldn’t stop thinking about, what consumed the majority of his remaining days in Bangkok and the entirety of his flight back. 

Jaebum would’ve gladly changed places with all the people who have ever dreamed of someone having unrequited feelings to them. They could see then, how _pleasant_ that is when you know your mere existence is enough to wound someone. 

There was also a message from Jinyoung that he opened way too late; this one, however, only made Jaebum sigh when he finally did. It was simply a mass-sent plea to fill out a questionnaire for a research paper Jinyoung was writing over the summer. It seemed like Jaebum was still on his “send all” list, though. At least he had that. 

“Yeah, flew in like an hour ago. I’ll be back in five minutes, and then we can deal with those killer boxes,” Jaebum humorously promised, grabbing his suitcase from the pavement and ready to bolt to his dorm room with the entire twenty-three kilograms worth of his clothes and souvenirs. “Consider that as me repaying for the rain check that never happened.” 

If Mark nodded, Jaebum didn’t see it anymore – he indeed was close to running to his dorms, the suitcase almost flying beside him. 

Jaebum reached his room completely out of breath and with sweat dripping down his face; despite summer already getting towards the end, it was still way too hot to even breathe, and the characteristic humidity of Seoul didn’t make it any better. Jaebum thought that after Bangkok this weather should be a piece of cake, but turned out, he was very wrong. 

It took only a few seconds for him to dump his things on his bed and be sprinting down the corridor again, face dripping with cold water now – to look at least a little bit more presentable in public; he was running so fast, Jaebum almost missed that “hi” that was thrown at him. The voice had grown a little distant, unfamiliar even, to him during the summer, but here it was, the owner of it – Park Jinyoung in flesh, standing next to the elevators with his funny pink flip flops. 

“Hey,” Jaebum’s reply came out a little awkwardly delayed because he took a sweet second to look around. Just in case the greeting wasn’t meant for him. 

“You’re back,” Jinyoung noted, impatiently pressing the elevator button a few more times. It was stuck somewhere in the upper floors a little too long for his liking. 

“Yeah.” 

“Was Bangkok any good?” 

Jaebum let out a smile, hoping it will somehow help ease the awkwardness as they finally stepped into the elevator. It was the first time in months that they spoke, or stood in such proximity to one another. “It was... okay,” Jaebum decided not to dish out his entire history with the foreign lands just yet. “How was your research paper?” 

He wished it hadn’t come out this passive-aggressively, though. But Jinyoung only repeated his own words, “It was okay. What’s the rush, though? You were running so fast, one would think there’s a free serving of fried rice in the food court.” 

“Mark needed help with some―” Jaebum cut himself off at the same time the elevator pinged just before reaching the first floor. If this encounter was awkward, talking about Mark with Jinyoung was even more, all things considered. 

What surprised Jaebum, though, was Jinyoung’s _lack_ of surprise. 

_“_ Oh, Mark. Right,” he said before turning to a new convenience store that seemed to have opened on the first floor instead of an old mail supplies shop. “Tell him I said hi, can’t imagine I came off very nice the first time I met him.” 

That was what did it for Jaebum, Jinyoung throwing the day they broke up around so carelessly; that was why he took a deep breath, trying to muster up his courage to ask, “About that day...” 

“Hm?” Jinyoung turned around, looking quizically at him. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaebum said, sincerely. “I’ve been trying to say that for weeks before Bangkok, and I was really frustrated that neither you nor Jackson ever responded... But that’s okay, I guess. You had all the reasons to be mad, and I guess I just... Wanted to finally say that in person... Yeah,” the end of his spontaneous speech wasn’t as smooth as he expected or ever imagined, but it felt like it did the job of finally getting rid of the stone he felt crushing his heart for the past months. 

Jinyoung softly smiled at him; it reminded a lot of those smiles they used to exchange in secret when Jaebum was out with Jackson and Youngjae, and Jinyoung would pass by. 

“What did Thailand do to you, Im Jaebum? That’s the most mature I've heard you in... about forever.” Jinyoung teased, but he meant no harm, Jaebum could see it. And once again, he couldn’t help but think about Bambam, because that was what made him realize that other people’s feelings are about as real and important as his own. “Anyway. Like I said before, it wasn’t a good look on me to date half of my friend’s exes, so. No hard feelings, we both did some stupid stuff back then. And I'm sure Jackson’s slowly going insane by now because he resorted to texting me a few times to ask if I know when you’re coming back, so after you’re done with Mark’s stuff, be a good boy and call him, okay?” 

“Will do,” Jaebum laughed and Jinyoung waved him off. 

Jaebum’s heart and body suddenly felt so light that he was almost skipping to the café where Mark was waiting for him. 

“Sorry it took me so long, on my way here I met―” 

“Jinyoung, I saw you two walking together,” Mark finished the sentence for him, but his personal opinion on the matter remained unclear. “He must’ve missed you, after all.” He added. 

And unfortunately, Jaebum had never been the one to quickly catch the undertones, because he, taking a bulky box from the ground and carrying it inside while Mark was holding the door for him, asked, “What do you mean?” 

“He’s your boyfriend. He made that very clear the last time I saw him.” 

_Oh._

Mark didn’t know. 

How would he? They never talked about Jinyoung during their rare texting sprees. Mark was always interested in all things Jaebum, much like the latter was interested in all things Mark; but Mark was never interested in the Jinyoung part of Jaebum’s life. It was fair – Jaebum preferred his messy love life not being escalated everywhere. 

“He’s not.” Jaebum said, and when Mark questioningly raised his eyebrows, he added, “We broke up before I went to that summer school program.” 

“Sorry to hear that,” Mark said, turning away to hand him yet another box, but Jaebum was a little confused by how he couldn’t really make much out the strange relief in Mark’s voice. 

They didn’t talk about it anymore for the rest of the afternoon – heavy boxes of coffee-making supplies took their entire attention after Mark got absolutely sure Jaebum was about to break his toes or something; the way everything just kept slipping out of his hands made the word “clumsy” an understatement. 

“Okay, time out, you’re becoming a safety hazard,” Mark told when Jaebum almost crushed his foot to dust with a box that contained perhaps ten kilograms worth of milk cartons. Jaebum was about to protest, but Mark gently pushed him into a chair at a table nearby. “I’m thankful for your help, but I don’t want to accompany you to the ER today. Hospitals make me sick.” 

Mark put the remaining boxes into their places rather quickly – by that time, they had already done the majority of work together – while Jaebum was curiously looking around. He’d never been in a coffee shop outside working hours; the emptiness and quietness of it were new and a little bit exciting. He was never a frequent here, always dropping by only occasionally and almost always with someone else. Being here alone with Mark was... interesting. 

“Do you want anything to drink?” Mark asked, popping up from behind the counter and startling Jaebum out of his thoughts. “Coffee, tea? Milk that almost cost you your foot?” he teased with a smile. 

Jaebum’s throat was indeed parched and his clothes were sticking to him in an ugly, summery way, but he still was hesitant. “Is it okay? I mean, the café is not working now, and all...” 

“You seem to forget that I work here, and I have to repay you somehow for helping me out,” Mark dismissed his concerns with another cheeky, toothy smile. “Let me guess, iced americano?” 

Jaebum nodded. “Do you remember all of your customers’ orders like that?” 

“Nope, just yours.” Mark grinned and Jaebum couldn’t be too sure if should’ve taken those words seriously. 

It will come back often later on, the feeling of never knowing whether Mark was serious or not; and after many, many years, Jaebum would often think that this might’ve been the reason why things went how they did.

But it’s not the point right now. 

The point was, after that afternoon, Mark cemented his spot as someone dear to Jaebum – someone who never failed to make him laugh even in the most miserable of times; someone who always beat him in all the video games known to them, much to Jaebum’s comical outrage. Someone who lived through getting to know Jackson, once the latter figured out Jaebum was back home and refused to let him out of his sight – because “he missed Jaebum so freaking much, and was so afraid he’d run away once more that Jackson was never going to let him go”. 

Mark became someone, who Jaebum wanted to be by his side, always. 

Youngjae on the other side... it seemed like the guy was still carrying some grudges.

Much like it happened with Jinyoung, Jaebum didn’t quite know what to say when they bumped into each other mid-September. They were about to celebrate Mark’s birthday, belatedly, because neither of theirs schedules matched enough to gather on the 4th; it was Jaebum’s idea – and he was really proud of it – to ask the owner of the coffee shop Mark was part-timing at for the spare key and throw a surprise party just for the few of them after Mark got convinced he had to work an emergency shift, because one of his colleagues got sick. 

Jaebum was going inside the café with a bunch of balloons and a cake he just bought when Youngjae almost walked into him. There was a long pause, but before Jaebum spoke up, Youngjae only nodded to him in acknowledgment and hurried off to wherever he was going. Jackson told him not to sweat about it that much, Youngjae still needed a little bit more time. But they hadn’t talked for four months now, and Jaebum wasn’t exactly sure how much time off exactly did his wrongdoings warrant. 

But he had other things to worry about as the semester dragged on – classes, midterms, papers; no one had ever promised that if Jaebum kept his personal life a little less messy, his academic one will be the same. On top of that, everyone around him seemed to have this obnoxious, obsessive even, notion that Mark and he were dating. 

Which they were _not_. 

It started off with Jackson’s relationship radar thing once again. Mark didn’t quite understand what was that about whenever Jackson started making beeping noises every time he saw Jaebum with him. Jaebum, on the other hand, was researching all the possible ways of unleashing all the horsemen of apocalypse on his best friend. 

Yes, of course, he _was_ close to Mark – they went out to eat together, they studied together because Mark was majoring in statistics, so a lot of their homework was similar (that, and Mark’s math skills were extremely helpful when Jaebum’s brain dried out from studying so much he couldn’t understand simple formulas anymore). They talked for hours on end whenever they met up and texted till their fingers went sore after separating... but that was it. 

No romance, ever. 

According to Jinyoung though, who was more than glad to side with Jackson now that they were back to being friends too, all that never explained why Mark more often than not would have his arm carelessly around Jaebum’s shoulders; or the way Jaebum looked at Mark whenever they humorously bickered about something. Or why their favorite way of joking around was fake-flirting with each other. Or why Jaebum’s own mother had heard about Mark so much she’d send homemade food from Goyang not only to her son but to Mark too. 

Jaebum didn’t like to be put in front of the facts like that, and, most importantly, he didn’t like to think about his relationship with Mark too much – but whenever he did, he was less and less certain about his previous words on how there was absolutely nothing romantic about his and Mark’s behavior. From his side, at least.

And so time was passing by like that – seasons changed, people came and went; Jackson flew to France for a semester as an exchange student and then he returned. Mark never left Jaebum’s side during that entire time, and before Jaebum could even blink, it was autumn again – their third year in university was approaching the end. 

“I sometimes don’t understand where all this time is going,” Jaebum mumbled one day, leaning into his econometrics homework. Maybe if he stared at it long enough, it will solve itself, he hopefully thought. 

“Huh?” Mark asked, head completely empty because his stack of math homework was just as big as Jaebum’s. “What do you mean?” 

“Time,” Jaebum repeated, lightly tapping his pen onto the papers. “In what way are we graduating next year? What are we going to do next? It feels like I got into this major just yesterday, _my god, it’s been more than a year since we became friends, oh lord―”_

Jaebum was clearly having an existential crisis, one of the many Mark had already witnessed, so he knew what to do. He grinned, pulling Jaebum into a headlock, and while the guy was cursing him with all the curse words he knew – even Thai ones, god bless Bambam’s teachings – Mark said, “You’re overworked. You’re doing a hellish load of subjects and doing it just as hellishly well, but take it easy, okay? We’re all going to be fine.” 

It was a weird moment, when Jaebum looked back at it. They both were overworked and sleepy, but there was something else, something that wasn’t exactly conjured by the rain softly but persistently drumming into the windows, or Jaebum borrowing the softest sweater Mark had in his closet. That certain strain between them was way, way more intangible, surrounding them like a strange haze. Like a fistful of sand, even - like Jaebum could've held it in his hand, but whenever he tried to, it slipped away.

At that point, even Jackson got tired of asking when they were getting together. 

At that point, in Mark’s tiny studio apartment – because he was the only one out of their quartet who actually could afford not living in the dorms anymore – for a second it seemed like Mark will lean in and kiss him. 

But Jaebum’s phone buzzed with a message from Jinyoung, so Mark didn’t. And Jaebum couldn’t figure it out, whether he was disappointed that Mark didn’t kiss him, or relieved.

Jaebum (the most oblivious person of them all, if you will) made a mistake of telling all this to Jinyoung, with minor details skipped, one afternoon when they were back in the food court during the only shared free period they had in the entire week. 

“So, let me get this straight,” Jinyoung frowned, putting a generous serving of kimchi into his plate. “He wanted to kiss you, but then someone texted you. You could’ve just ignored the message?” 

“You don’t _understand_ ,” Jaebum wailed, already regretting opening his damned mouth. When will he ever learn? “I don’t _know_ if he really wanted to kiss me. It just... looked like that.” 

They sat down with trays full of comfort food – and truth to be told, Jaebum needed comfort the most right now, because he felt like yet another of his friendships was about to be permanently ruined. Jinyoung, with a spoonful of rice already in his mouth, shrugged. “He looks like he’s about to make out with you all the time, big surprise. Of course he wanted to kiss you.” 

“Excuse me, _what.”_

Jinyoung sighed, rolling his eyes. “As your ex, it’s pretty weird to talk about this, but anyway. For this entire past year, you both looked like an old married couple. And while it’s gross and I hope we weren’t that gross together, can someone of you two just make the first move, because it’s nauseating to see you two walking in circles all the time.” 

Jaebum was panicking once again. 

Scratch that, Jaebum was _mid-hysterics._ He liked Mark, he really did – if he really thought about it, perhaps that feeling truly was a little bit romantic; much like you grow to love your best friend or something. And yet, Jaebum was afraid to ruin yet another friendship, because he already dated enough friends of his, or friends’ friends, or whatever; he didn’t want to lose Mark if in the end it didn’t work out, or if Mark didn’t feel the same way towards him. 

Jaebum probably started rambling that out loud, because Jinyoung was staring at him rather amused until he had to physically shove Jaebum’s rice into his mouth to make him stop talking. 

“Everyone was has a working pair of eyes can tell he definitely feels the same way. And also, if by some weird chance it doesn’t work out,” Jinyoung chuckled, remembering something. “You always have me.” 

“What?” 

“Our pact, remember?” Jinyoung said and immediately pouted because Jaebum genuinely didn’t. “We agreed that if nothing works out for us romantically by the time we’re thirty, we’re going to get married.” 

Jaebum scoffed, his memory finally working. “I’d rather become a nun or something, thank you. We really don't work well together.” 

“Don’t think that’s an option,” Jinyoung chuckled, “Don’t they have this thing where they have to remain virgins forever? You don’t really qualify anymore after we―” 

“I swear, if you don’t shut your mouth...” Jaebum threw a napkin at his friend, but what made his cheeks crimson red wasn’t Jinyoung talking about their previous sex life in public so casually. 

It was the fact that as if knowing that now was the absolutely worst timing to appear, Mark was standing behind Jaebum, his class being dismissed earlier than scheduled. And he definitely heard the entire exchange. 

Mark didn’t say anything about it, simply sitting next to Jaebum and talking about something completely unrelated to the previous conversation. However, by then, Jaebum knew him way too well – Mark was absentminded that entire day; like he wasn’t really with them, but rather lost somewhere in his thoughts. 

Usually, Jaebum liked to mind his own business, but then he would’ve given up everything to know what Mark was thinking so hard about. 

It came and went, Mark being like that, then back to playful and clingy again; then it turned into Jaebum being unsure again. The intangible tension Jaebum felt that one autumn day was becoming more and more palpable, to the point it could cut. 

And yet, it was like Mark and Jaebum were set on clinging onto their friendship for the rest of their lives, too afraid to admit that it wanted to become something absolutely different. So they remained friends, thinking it will save some headaches for everyone in the long run; and Jaebum, once again, couldn't determine whether he was disappointed or relieved.

Turned out that Jaebum could live without a headache only for that long, though, because the same year, just a few days before Christmas Kim Yugyeom (re)entered his life, stage left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're finally just a chapter away from learning who the husbando is!! finally!! i actually almost spoiled it, there was a sentence i accidentally left in that belonged to the upcoming chapter; thank god i managed to spot it and remove it haha :') this chapter came out somewhat bitter-sounding to me, considering markbum didn't really get together (yet? who knows!), and it wasn't the intention, but oh well, the Plot Called For It haha
> 
> this is a whole rollercoaster but! hopefully, i'm going to make some time to update it more often, maybe even weekly, because there are only two chapters left and also the lockdown is over and work's swinging back to being a very full-time mess... no promises, we'll see!
> 
> hopefully you all like the update, comments are always welcomed! stay safe, take care! <3


	7. A scarf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on this update's episode of "let's loop a song into oblivion hoping it will translate into the mood of the chapter" we have violette wautier's [i'd do it again](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ5_WwwNi2M)

Jaebum had always loved winters. 

He loved playing in the snow - it began when he was little and then surpassed his late childhood and teen years; he loved the year-end holidays, the Christmas spirit, even though throughout the years it started feeling a little dull when shopping malls and advertisers began shoving it down the throat starting, like, late October. 

In the year 2017, however, – for the very first time in Jaebum’s life – he decided he hated winters. Mostly because the prospect of spending the winter break with Mark was getting bleaker and bleaker over time. And then it took only a call from Jaebum’s mom to put the last nail in the coffin of what was doomed to be the worst holiday. 

“Kim _who?”_ Jaebum asked his mother over the phone two days before the end of the semester. His mom was blabbering about some guy who was coming over to their house for a few days; Jaebum was now employed to be the said guy’s personal entertainer. 

“Not Whogyeom, _Yu_ gyeom,” Jaebum’s mom clicked her tongue impatiently like she couldn’t believe her son was that slow, and Jaebum already imagined how she was shaking her head. “The neighbor kid next door when we lived in Ilsan, remember?” 

After a second, Jaebum finally did. 

Kim Yugyeom was indeed a kid who lived in the apartment next to theirs and whom Jaebum had to babysit way more times than he would’ve ever liked. Jaebum was three years older and their parents got along exceptionally well, so to Jaebum, Yugyeom was some sort of an adoptive little (annoying) brother, who was always attached to Jaebum’s hip until the latter finally moved out to Goyang. They hadn’t seen each other ever since, and that made it more than a decade. 

“But I was planning to spend my holidays in Seoul... Sort of...” Jaebum drew out but from the sharp way his mother inhaled – a lecture was incoming – he already knew that this time he won’t get to bargain. 

“And spend all the nicest days of the holiday season in that dorm of yours? No way!” She said. “We haven’t seen you in ages, and you need to go out more, find new friends and maybe a boyf--” 

“We’re not discussing this again, mom, oh my _god_ ,” Jaebum quickly interrupted her, ears crimson red even though nobody was around to see him embarrassed. “Okay, okay. I’m going to come home for Christmas, but that’s it.” 

Jaebum thought he had made the best out of the situation, all things considered – he knew Mark was staying in Seoul until early January so that they could celebrate Jaebum’s birthday. And then Jaebum would’ve invited him to spend the Lunar New Year with him and his family anyway... 

But things with Mark were still complicated, so Jaebum wasn’t really sure how he would’ve gone about these plans. 

To say things were bad would’ve been an exaggeration – but there was a certain status quo in their friendship, one that Jaebum grew to hate over the months. 

They were still hanging out together almost every day; they still laughed at all the things Jinyoung and Jackson found unfunny. Jaebum could've still trusted Mark with his life, and he knew the feeling was mutual, and yet... 

There was an invisible wall between them, ever since that day when Mark heard that infamous conversation about Jaebum and Jinyoung’s marriage pact. And even though Mark had never commented on it, never brought it up even when they were bickering, it was looming over them, creating that messed up wall, which Jaebum never could, or had the guts to, break through. 

Even if he wanted to do that so, so bad. 

“If only you both weren’t so emotionally constipated and afraid to talk about feelings instead of discussing video games or anime,” Jackson always said the same whenever Jaebum got so overwhelmed about all the things he wanted to say to Mark, he started ranting. 

But talking about One Piece or Fortnite was just so much easier than talking about feelings. 

Jinyoung’s advice didn’t help either, and in the end, he would only shrug and tell that maybe thousands of years need to pass for either Jaebum or Mark to get their shit together and finally speak up. 

“Merry Christmas in advance,” Mark told Jaebum two days later, when all the finals of the semester were over and they were standing at the entrance of a subway platform, a train of line 3 about to take Jaebum home in five minutes. “Have fun with that friend of yours.” 

Jaebum had told Mark about Yugyeom; he foolishly thought that maybe there will be some sort of a reaction coming from Mark. There was none, asides from the general polite curiosity regarding Jaebum’s childhood years. 

“I barely remember him, so most likely it’s going to be horribly awkward. And my parents are forcing me to meet him at a bus station tomorrow morning, so there’s also that,” Jaebum mumbled before getting cut off by series of sneezes of his. 

Maybe taking a late-night run to a convenience store for some snacks with only thin sweaters on themselves in the middle of December wasn’t the brightest idea he and Jackson had come up with recently. 

Mark looked at Jaebum’s sneezing self with a little of concern – or maybe it was amusement, or perhaps this strange softness – and took a scarf off his neck, putting it onto Jaebum’s. He even tied it nicely, so it would stay properly. 

It reminded Jaebum that afternoon in Mark’s apartment a little, the one in late autumn. The same weird tension between them, as if all the unsaid words were bubbling up like boiling water, anxious to finally reach the surface. It was as if Jaebum could just lean in and... maybe... 

“Your train is here,” Mark said, and the world was back to normal. No more tension, no more unsaid words. Only them, two best friends waiting for a train. 

Jaebum hated that kind of normal, but he didn’t have the courage to do anything else. So he only smiled, getting on the train, and waved until the train started moving and soon Mark became only a blurry dot. 

Jaebum was about to turn twenty-three in less than a month, and he had always thought people get braver as they grow older. 

But then why wasn’t it the case for him? 

Jaebum didn’t know what exactly he was expecting when the next morning, after being spoiled with his mom’s best breakfast recipes, he was aimlessly pacing around the arrival hall of the Hwajeong bus terminal and waiting for a bus from Namyangju. 

The last time he saw Yugyeom was thirteen years ago – Jaebum counted out of boredom – and the memories of this particular childhood friend were getting rather vague. Asides from this one bit where a six year old Yugyeom was scaring and grossing out the kids of the entire neighborhood eating his boogers; that one Jaebum remembered pretty clear for some bizarre reason. 

However, when the Namyangju bus finally arrived and Yugyeom set his foot onto the soil of Goyang, it was nothing like Jaebum remembered, or even _dared_ to expect. 

Jaebum was pulled into a tight hug by some incredibly tall giant, who looked like he had just stepped out of a photoshoot set. Yugyeom was wearing a leather jacket as if he was completely unbothered by the freezing weather, skinny jeans that made his legs look even longer, and a mop of messy black hair, which somehow – really, _how_? - made a bowl cut work and even look good. 

“Hyung, it’s been _ages_!” the one thing that didn’t really change – and the only thing that helped Jaebum to recognize his friend at all – was Yugyeom’s voice. The same bouncy, a little squeaky voice that contained only pure happiness in it. 

“You... Well... Look different now...” Jaebum said, a little too awkwardly for his liking. Luckily, Yugyeom immediately jumped into some small talk, easing Jaebum into the chatter. “How was the trip?” 

“Some auntie kept snoring all the way here, but overall, not too bad,” Yugyeom said and Jaebum remembered one more trait of his; the one where Yugyeom just couldn’t be mad or angry or annoyed with anyone, ever. “I was surprised your mom invited me over, though,” Yugyeom added after they got into a taxi. 

It took Jaebum by surprise. 

“My mom invited you?” 

“Yeah,” Yugyeom nodded looking at the passing streets, as the taxi started moving. It reminded a little of a puppy riding in a car, the way he looked through the window – Jaebum was absolutely sure that if the window was open, Yugyeom definitely would’ve stuck his head out. “I think she was talking with my mom a lot recently, and your mom was all like, maybe Yugyeom wants to spend Christmas with us? And my mom thought it’s a great idea, even though I planned to stay in Busan for the holidays.” 

Jaebum thought it was odd because his mom made it seem like Yugyeom was just randomly dropping by because he was in the town anyway; but he didn’t think much about it – if it was the first red flag that should’ve flashed before Jaebum’s eyes, he didn’t see it. 

Instead of trying to connect the dots in this seemingly unmatching story, both of the guys got into a discussion which university makes better lawyers because Yugyeom was studying law just like Jinyoung, only in Busan. 

Yugyeom was spitting out facts and comparisons, and statistics of employment and lists of law firms; Jaebum, whose entire law school experience was based solely on watching Jinyoung do his homework, was getting his ass shamelessly beaten. 

“Yugyeom, dear!” Jaebum’s mom gasped, throwing away the newspaper she had been reading when the duo finally stepped into the Im household and pulling the kid into a hug. “You’re skin and bones by now, do you even eat anymore!” 

“When I got home yesterday, all I got was “ _your dinner is in the fridge, heat it up”,_ amazing,” Jaebum dramatically sulked, turning to his friend. “What’s it like to be the favorite son when you’re not even an actual son?” 

The house was soon filled with chatter and laughter, jokes and memories of their childhood days in Ilsan, and Jaebum thought that maybe this won’t be the worst holiday after all – he did miss some sweet homey chaos, the kind which can only be present during the holiday season. 

He helped Yugyeom to settle in the guest bedroom, which was right in front of Jaebum’s old room. Yugyeom didn’t have many things with himself, he was planning to stay only for a few days. Then, they finally ate lunch before Jaebum’s mom shooed them out of the kitchen because she was already preparing some Christmas meals and didn’t need two hyperactive boys ruining something. 

“I forgot how great of a cook your mom is, my stomach is about to burst,” Yugyeom said falling onto Jaebum’s bed, more or less in a food coma. “Nice to meet all of you again, and this time I didn’t even gross your dad out by eating snot.” 

“You remember that?” Jaebum laughed in disbelief. 

For the upcoming hour or two they kept sharing those bits of memories they had shared but completely forgot over the years. 

How Jaebum always forgot how to tie his shoelaces correctly and would always fall face-first into the pavement all the time because of it. How Yugyeom was trying to raise a wild raccoon they had found in a park nearby as a pet in secret, and how he would always show up covered in these horrible scratches and bites. How Jaebum tried to adopt all the stray cats of their neighborhood and turned the waterworks on every time his parents didn’t allow to bring them all home. 

How Jaebum had to babysit Yugyeom while the latter’s parents were at work, and how all they would eat for days on end was dry ramen in a bowl of melon milk because in Jaebum’s ten year old mind it was a decent meal, which totally made sense – like cereal. 

“I was about to go to your university after high school,” Yugyeom remembered after a while. “But the Busan one gave me a scholarship, so I took the money and ran for it.” 

“Yeah, our university doesn’t really give out scholarships for freshmen in the law faculty, unless you saved a country in your past life, or something,” Jaebum agreed. “You can only get them starting from your second year if your grades are really good.” 

He remembered all this since Jinyoung was constantly on the verge of ripping his hair out because of his grades to keep the scholarship. 

“How do you know that much about law school?” Yugyeom asked, but his voice was full of humorous suspicion. “Knowing you, I doubt you ever talk with anyone outside your classroom.” 

Yugyeom always had enough audacity to drag Jaebum without any mercy or fear of getting hit – being hyung’s favorite came with some perks, after all. 

“For your information,” Jaebum said, offended, “I do talk with people outside my major, and I... Well, I’ve dated a law student, I know some things.” 

It would’ve sounded a lot cooler if Jaebum’s cheeks didn’t turn cherry red once again, though. 

“That’s not what your mom said!” Yugyeom exclaimed and Jaebum frowned, having to do a double take to be sure he heard it right. 

“And why exactly my mom is talking about my personal love life with you?” 

Yugyeom, it seemed, realized how weird it was only now. 

“Well, while you were out to set the table for lunch, your mom kept talking about how lonely you seem to be there in Seoul... And how hanging out with me would do you a lot of good.” Yugyeom paused. “Weird.” 

Jaebum’s frown deepened. There was this nagging feeling inside him, that something wasn’t quite right here, and yet he decided to let it go for now. It was the holiday season, after all – and catching up with an old friend was nice. Maybe his mom had that in mind. 

However, the newly born suspicions only grew over the next few days. 

How could they not when Jaebum’s parents kept mentioning how great it would be if Jaebum and Yugyeom hung out even more, maybe even visited each other in Seoul and Busan, respectively. How Jaebum should go and date around more. Yugyeom was asked if he was seeing someone these days perhaps three times already. 

And the absolute cherry on top – on the actual Christmas day, a holiday specifically for couples in Korea, Jaebum’s parents mysteriously got gone, leaving Jaebum and Yugyeom completely alone in the entire house, for the entire day. 

“I don’t know how to say it without sounding weird, hyung,” Yugyeom was the first to address the elephant in the room when they finished eating lunch and were about to pick a movie to watch. “But...” 

“But my parents are trying to set me up with you, yeah,” Jaebum replied, browsing through the best selection of Christmas movies on their TV. “And you can say it while sounding weird because it’s... Weird.” 

It was hilarious, actually – Jaebum had never seen Yugyeom as anything more than a brother, and that wasn’t about to change any time soon. 

Sure, Yugyeom was, well, _hot_ by the current standards, but that wasn’t enough for Jaebum to change his opinion; perhaps the snot eating memory was stuck way too deep in Jaebum’s mind to even consider a relationship with Yugyeom seriously. 

“I can’t my parents tricked me into this,” Yugyeom shook his head, shoving a handful of gummy bears into his mouth. “What a scam. No offense, hyung, really lovely to see you again and all that, but I don’t want to date you. Hibernating loners aren’t really my type.” 

“Hey, I'm not a hibernating loner!” Jaebum threw a piece of leftover wrapping paper at him. “But yeah, sounds good for me, I'm trying to stay away from relationships for a long while.” 

“Why?” 

Because of Mark, of course. 

The only bits of communication they had over the past few days were those text messages that Jaebum could’ve counted on the fingers of his one hand. 

Even Youngjae wrote longer messages than Mark. As a part of his Christmas greeting, Youngjae apologized for acting like a stuck up asshole for the entire past year and even invited Jaebum to meet up for a cup of coffee sometime (and he even promised not to poison it, so that was a great start). 

Jaebum had finally found the inner peace, which he horribly lacked for a long while now, perhaps ever since the day he decided that pretending to be Youngjae’s boyfriend was a good idea. But then again, his peace mode didn’t last that long, because thoughts about Mark were constantly, restlessly bugging him into oblivion. 

“You’re whipped, hyung,” Yugyeom noted after hearing yet another rant. Jaebum only wailed at this, because he knew, oh he _knew_. “Better do something about it before it’s too late. Also, we have to do something about _this_.” 

Yugyeom’s topic diversion was spot on – they did have to come up with a plan on how to make their parents leave them alone; they weren’t about to fake one more relationship, or worse, date for real. The consensus between them ended up being that they were going to bicker as much as they can and get into fake fights until the day Yugyeom was supposed to leave so that Jaebum’s parents would realize how horribly incompatible the two friends were and how awful of an idea it was. 

Their performance was stellar – there was the theatric door slamming, almost a fistfight over something dumb; Yugyeom even fake cried after Jaebum was really “mean”; all this only to gather in Jaebum’s bedroom at nights to watch movies and giggle under the blankets when Jaebum’s parents were asleep. 

When the holidays were over and Jaebum had finally accompanied Yugyeom back to the bus terminal, Yugyeom widely smiled and told, “That was the most interesting Christmas I had in a long while, hyung. If anything, I should thank you. Or should I propose to you, after all?” He teased and it earned him a light-hearted smack. “Ouch, kidding, hyung, kidding! I’d never date you, you’re awful.” 

A few more promises to call and visit each other more, a few moments spent waving till the bus to, this time, Busan took off; and when Jaebum tugged at his scarf to press it against himself harder because it was freezing, he realized that he and Yugyeom must have mixed them up while getting ready to go. 

Mark’s scarf was now traveling to Busan while Yugyeom’s was cozily snuggled under Jaebum’s chin. 

And Jaebum, who had been wishing for some sort of a Christmas miracle, got only this, the disappointment. So maybe it was a sign that it really wasn’t meant to be. 

When you’re afraid, you take everything as a sign to not do something, it seemed. 

When Jaebum returned to Seoul, just a few days before the New Year’s Eve, things remained the same. 

They remained the same for a very long while; such a long one, Jaebum temporarily stopped counting the years. 

His birthday passed; winter had passed. Then spring, summer, autumn, then winter again. All of them graduated, got their first jobs that overworked them to death while underpaying them. For the very first time, they started attempts at creating relationships that didn’t necessarily involve each other. 

Jackson was the first one - he couldn’t get this substitute professor he had back in his exchange semester in France out of his head. So he went thousands of miles, literally, to fight for his love. Turned out, it wasn’t one-sided after all, and they got married on Jackson’s 26th birthday. According to Jackson, he wanted March 28th to be an otherworldly day – and having him both born and getting married on the same day was his definition of otherworldly happiness. 

Bambam followed suit, or maybe he was the first one to start – Jaebum found this out only after a long while. They hadn’t been in touch for years before Jaebum finally got his shit together and remembered he had promises to fulfill.

At first, Jaebum was terrified Bambam was mad, too hurt to reply to his messages – Jaebum really did do him dirty, all things considered; breaking someone’s heart, promising that they’re never going to stop talking and disappearing wasn’t the nicest thing to do to someone. 

But it was quite the opposite, Bambam welcomed Jaebum back into his life with open arms – and by the time Jaebum was twenty-seven, he had learned that Bambam was the head engineer in some civil engineering company in Bangkok, and married to some nice Thai girl because he realized that he can have the best of both worlds. 

Jaebum felt apologetic that he couldn’t participate in the wedding in person because he found out about it too late, but Bambam told him not to worry about it – it's the thought that mattered, and Jaebum was genuinely happy about Bambam finally finding his happiness. 

Youngjae, on the other hand, became a vocal teacher in their former university, but the personal part of his life wasn’t faring that well, as if someone would’ve put a curse on it. Jaebum knew he was dating around, but whenever they met, Youngjae was always single. Or maybe he just didn’t talk about it with Jaebum – they weren’t that close anymore. 

You can’t just glue together something that was once broken so badly; and Jaebum didn’t blame Youngjae for keeping his distance from him and his circle of friends. They were young and stupid, and Jaebum should’ve known better. They still talked on the regular and sent holiday texts though, so it was better than nothing. 

Yugyeom indeed did become a bigger part of Jaebum’s life after those disastrous Christmas of 2017. They called each other constantly, Yugyeom was introduced to Jaebum’s friends back in Seoul and everyone adored him – how could you not when you had a whole human version of an overgrown puppy in front of you? They kept remembering their fake fights from time to time and it was a little ironic that Yugyeom had his back in the real “fight”, which Jaebum didn’t know how to go about. Yugyeom became Jaebum’s lawyer in the divorce process, just in case, even though Jaebum’s husband promised they’d never go this far to need one - they weren't out to ruin each others lives.

And while all this was panning out, Mark once again remained a constant in Jaebum’s life. 

He never strayed too far away throughout all those years, remaining somewhere Jaebum could easily reach, but never coming too close. Mark became a math teacher – a seemingly unfitting thing for him, because he was never a _people_ person, preferring only a carefully selected circle of friends; but when you think about it, maybe others just weren’t _Mark_ people, but it was their loss. The point was that Mark was great with kids, and every single one of his students loved him. 

Mark had never asked where his scarf went, even though he most definitely noticed that the one on Jaebum’s neck wasn’t his. And Jaebum never found the guts to tell him that he wanted more than his scarf.

Jaebum’s biggest regret of his life? Easily. It killed Jaebum inside for years on end, until one day, or rather a late evening, he met up with Jinyoung in a bar. 

They hadn’t seen each other a while now, because they were always too busy – Jaebum was trying to keep himself afloat in that investment company that was sucking him dry, and Jinyoung was trying to set up his own law firm. Jaebum was looking like shit that evening because he worked fourteen hours before their meeting; but so did Jinyoung after one more unsuccessful relationship of his. 

Too many drinks were bought that evening; too many memories have been brought up even though it shouldn’t have been, definitely not. 

Jaebum didn’t understand who was calling him way past 3 AM when he picked up his phone, not without some struggle. 

“H...Hello!” 

“Are you drunk?” 

It was Mark’s voice on the other end of the line. It didn’t seem like he was calling at an ass o’clock in the night to simply ask that, though; but Jaebum couldn’t really say anything much because Jinyoung, equally as drunk – if not more – took the phone away from him and started mumbling some gibberish. 

Mark only gently laughed, told them both to sober up, and hung up. 

And in hindsight, it was obvious by then already; Jaebum and Mark’s problem had always been the fact that Jinyoung was always looming over them, and Jaebum had always stayed loyal to his words. 

Even if by 5 AM of that morning, when he brought Jinyoung to his crappy studio apartment he was struggling to pay rent for, he didn’t even remember the marriage pact. 

“And that’s how I met your father,” Jaebum says, humorously borrowing a line from a TV show he’s marathoned recently during those nights when he couldn’t fall asleep. 

It feels weird now that the story is over and they have to face the reality. 

“This doesn’t make any sense,” Sangwoo says quizically, and Jinyoung laughs, just a few centimeters away from Jaebum. “So you married dad only because of some agreement you had billion years ago? Lame.” 

When Jaebum thinks about it, nothing really made sense in his life ever since he was twenty, perhaps, so his oldest son isn’t that far off. 

“I hate to bring this up now,” Jinyoung whispers when Sungwoo and Jinwoo are finally soundly asleep after ranting how underwhelming their love story was, and when both he and Jaebum are trying to quietly leave the kids’ room, “But we really need to talk about our divorce papers. And there’s also something else I need to talk you about.” 

“Sure,” Jaebum’s voice remains neutral, but his heart sinks, maybe even deeper than it usually does during those lonely nights he’s getting used to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE FINALLY HAVE THE HUSBAND, dear lord, "jaebum's husband" no more, he has a name!!! I'm literally sungwoo @ myself, bc if all this somehow makes sense, I'll need to thank all the gods. 
> 
> so now that all the theories (majority of theories, bc I still DO need to fulfill the markbum tag on this fic somehow and I have one (1) chapter to do that) are put to rest... how are we all feeling!!! comments are always welcomed, stay safe and take care!!!
> 
> (and excuse all the possible typos, work has me literally floored, idk what's a free time and sleep anymore)
> 
> if you wanna yell about the reveal with/at me, here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/doublejisoo) or, for the shy folks, [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/doublejisoo)


	8. Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have absolutely no planning and pacing skills whatsoever, so here's almost 6k words in one chapter! enjoy!
> 
> (edited heavily to ashe's [moral of the story](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQq98YPV8yk) and blanks' [sweaters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgEvi2EOMAo) so pls give it a try, they're amazing)

In fairytales, Scheherazade is doomed to die so she tells stories every night; dozens, hundreds of them to stay alive. 

Jaebum knows this probably sits somewhere on the more dramatic side of all the comparisons he’s ever made – but for the past week, the remaining bits of his marriage felt somewhat like that, too. 

And now, when stories are over and he’s sitting at their kitchen table, Jaebum can’t help but awkwardly try to look anywhere but Jinyoung’s eyes. 

He doesn’t really know what he was expecting to come out of all this – a sign of some sort? A miracle? All he’s gotten so far, however, is the heaviness in his chest when Jinyoung speaks up. 

“That was one... interesting week,” he says. “Remembering everything, and all that.” 

“Yeah,” Jaebum mumbles in response. “It was.” 

“You know,” Jinyoung continues. His stare lingers somewhere right behind Jaebum; as if trying to look through his husband will make him feel less guilty about not wanting, or – perhaps – not _daring_ to look Jaebum in the eye. “I sometimes think that maybe... Maybe we shouldn’t be doing everything like that.” 

Jaebum is not quite sure what that means – Jinyoung's words have always been vague, but his expressions were even harder to read through. Earlier, all those years ago, Jaebum used to think it was endearing, mysteriously attractive even. 

Now, he thinks he’s had enough of that. 

“My colleagues think I'm shooting myself in the foot handling our divorce by myself,” Jinyoung adds, and Jaebum almost, _almost_ gets annoyed. 

It’s ridiculous now, to argue about who knows how their marriage ended and about who said what about it – they both know that. Arguing won’t change the facts – that's why Jaebum doesn’t get angry, that’s why Jinyoung continues speaking like he’d be discussing weather forecast. 

They’ve fought about this – about _all_ the things – so many times before, there’s no point anymore in doing that now. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Jaebum asks after a pause and the clock on the wall of their kitchen turns to midnight. 

Jaebum’s mom has always told that once midnight comes, all demons and ghosts can freely roam the earth; maybe she’s not exactly wrong, because Jinyoung truly brings some ghosts of the past back. 

“I have our divorce papers finalized,” he says, a little too casually from the first glance; but Jaebum spent eighteen years trying to learn what’s hiding behind Jinyoung’s seemingly casual undertones, so he knows. “If you sign them now and I submit them to the court tomorrow, it will take around five weeks or so for them to get processed.” 

The stack of papers that he pushes towards Jaebum appears on the table so unexpectedly, it’s as if Jinyoung has been hiding it somewhere in his pockets this entire time. 

Jaebum has always hated legal papers and always trusted Jinyoung with his life, so he only skims through it with his tired eyes. 

The usual – assets to be shared in half, joint custody of their kids, the apartment for Jaebum, the car for Jinyoung. 

Almost anticlimactic. 

“Do you have a pen somewhere?” Jaebum asks, but Jinyoung doesn’t move, looking at him with that calm, yet unreadable face. “What?” 

“Nothing, I just thought this moment will be somewhat... Different.” 

“Several plates getting smashed, yelling till our neighbors call the police, me keying your car, _that_ kind of different?” Jaebum laughs and Jinyoung smiles a little, too. 

“Something like that, yes.” 

To be completely honest, Jaebum can relate to how Jinyoung feels about this – all the movies they’ve ever watched together, all the cases from Jinyoung’s work they’ve ever discussed told that there should be emotions involved _, lots_ of them. 

Anger, resentment, contempt – the darker the said emotions are, the better; with a few broken vases to accompany them, at the very least. But neither of the men feel anything even remotely similar. 

And perhaps that’s okay, too. Divorce isn’t a pretty process, but there’s no need to drag each other through dirt just for the sake of it, either. 

“Can you do me a favor?” Jinyoung asks when Jaebum’s signature neatly lays down next to his, sealing their divorce agreement. 

“Sure.” 

“When all of this is finally over,” Jinyoung makes a slight pause, and Jaebum’s eyebrows jump in anticipation. “Talk to Mark, okay?” 

“Huh?” 

Jaebum’s been talking to Mark; a lot. Amidst rapidly changing seasons and ticking clocks, one thing has remained constant – Mark is always around. 

He’s always been there for Jaebum and, by connection – or just for the sake of old friendship – for Jinyoung. He was there when these two were freaking out about the wedding, when they were freaking out about adopting a kid, and then the second one – whenever Jaebum and Jinyoung needed a helping hand or a voice of reason. 

Or a shoulder to rant and cry on – for Jaebum, Mark has been exactly that for too many months by now because too many things have gone to shit lately. Mark Tuan, always too selfless, too kind to tell them to get themselves together and sort their messes on their own. 

Jinyoung’s words still don’t make much sense, though. 

“Remember that night when we got back together? The one in the bar?” Jinyoung says again and Jaebum wants to laugh – yes, of course he remembers, they went over it just a few hours ago. “When Mark called you?” 

Jaebum slowly nods, watching how Jinyoung is playing around with a pen rather nervously, much like Jackson used to do back in the day. 

“He... He didn’t tell us to sober up only,” Jinyoung breathes out and Jaebum frowns, a little confused why his now almost ex-husband is speaking like it would be such a revelation. “He asked me to tell you to call him back in the morning.” 

Jaebum’s confusion doubles as he’s lost as to why this is so important almost two decades later. 

“You both were really dumb back then,” Jinyoung says, a little apologetically. “Everyone knew you had feelings for each other.” 

Jaebum’s inner defenses flare up in a second – much like every time Jinyoung, or anyone else really, brings the topic up. 

“I’ve told you _numerous times_ that nothing ever happened between--” 

Jinyoung only sighs. 

“I know nothing happened.” 

There’s a saying that it takes two to tango, but in Jinyoung’s opinion, all three of them took part in this particular messed up dance. Jinyoung’s not blind, and he certainly wasn’t blind back then, either – and he still can’t fathom what exactly had to go through Mark’s mind when he saw them back together. 

There was a surprise in Mark’s eyes, sure, much like in everyone else’s - at that point, they weren’t exactly the couple people expected to be the endgame – but there was something else too. 

Disappointment and a little bit of resentment addressed to Jinyoung, and Jinyoung only – because Mark knew for sure that Jinyoung didn’t tell Jaebum anything he’d asked to tell. 

Back then, at exactly ass o’clock as per Jaebum’s glorious description to his kids, Mark wanted to finally do the right thing and talk about all the feelings that were left on the backburner for years. 

Jinyoung can’t imagine how Mark could keep himself together all these years, knowing everything Jinyoung had never told to Jaebum, and not saying a single word; being around Jinyoung and never saying anything harsh, or spiteful, or at least sarcastic. 

“Just... talk to him, okay?” Jinyoung repeats one more time. 

“I will,” Jaebum promises for the sake of it, brushing it off as a 1 AM nonsense. “We both need to get some sleep, though. You look like shit, frankly speaking, and I don’t think I look much better, so...” 

Jinyoung smiles. Two dimples pop up on his cheeks like they always do when the smile is genuine. It makes Jaebum wonder, however, how something that used to drive him so, so crazy all those years back can turn into this watered-down warm feeling of seeing an old friend from his university days. 

“Never thought I'm going to end up like this,” Jinyoung jokes, at the doorstep. “A failed divorce lawyer, leaving his former apartment in the middle of the night.” 

“Well,” Jaebum gently laughs, “You won the case. We did get divorced, so you didn’t exactly fail any of your cases.” 

“Can you really call it a win when you lose your family?” 

Jaebum pulls him into a tight hug; the first one in a very long time. 

“You will never lose your family.” 

There’s something itchy at the back of his throat when he says it, and Jaebum would love to write it off to a cold he feels he’s gotten from a secretary at work – she's been coughing like crazy lately - but he keeps it to himself. Like he always does. 

A few minutes later, when Jinyoung is already gone through the door and Jaebum is simply standing in the corridor feeling like a complete idiot unable to move, Jinwoo wakes him up from this daze; he woke up to pee, the kid explains when Jaebum questions why he’s up. 

“Did dad go... home already?” Jinwoo asks, stumbling over his words a little; if it’s weird to think about Jinyoung living somewhere else for Jaebum, it must be double the amount of strange for an eight-year-old. Jaebum nods. “You know... The essay...” 

“Hm?” 

“There’s no essay, I never got any detention,” Jinwoo admits. “We knew about the divorce before you even told us, so we thought...” his voice is a little bitter, but at the same time mischievously proud to some extent. “That if you remembered why you got married, then maybe... it would change something.” 

There’s a heavy pang in Jaebum’s chest, so he only ruffles his son’s hair and says, “I’m sorry. I am.” 

“Did it change something, at least a little?” 

“It did,” Jaebum smiles. All those little stories did help him realize that this is exactly how his and Jinyoung’s love story was supposed to be – but that’s no consolation to a kid whose parents are about to get divorced, so Jaebum doesn’t elaborate. “Now off to bed, you have school tomorrow.” 

Jinwoo sticks his tongue out at him, and Jaebum wonders how a tiny human can be so childish and grown up at the same time. 

That day six weeks later, when Jinyoung finally forwards him a scan of a court order telling that they’re both free people now, things are not much different – but maybe that’s not a bad thing. 

Everything slowly but surely fell into its places – Jinyoung takes kids for the weekends, sometimes during weekdays too if he has time and the kids want; Jaebum has once been to Jinyoung’s new apartment in Seongnam. It’s a little similar to their old one, just a lot smaller and filled with more books. 

Things finally feel right for once, like Jaebum could finally breathe. 

When Jaebum gets back home that evening, a little late like usual, because he lost track of time at work once again, the sight in the apartment makes him stop for a while. 

He asked Mark to look after the boys tonight just in case he couldn’t make it on time – and god sees, it _was_ a good idea. The boys are playing some video game, it seemed, while Mark is on the sofa doing his own work – probably grading that never-ending pile of schoolwork his students always had to submit. 

Every once in a while, Mark would glance at the kids with a corner of his eye, in a way teachers, and only them, can focus on multiple things at the same time; he’d give some advice on the game or lightheartedly poke fun at the loser. 

And Jaebum, remembering Jinyoung’s words about them having to talk, can’t help but wonder. 

What if things have gone in a different direction? What if instead of getting back with Jinyoung, Jaebum found the courage to speak up about the feelings he was hiding for years until they finally dissolved into the mundane life of marriage and kids? 

The possibilities are endless now – they might have never worked out, or they might _have_ , and Jaebum would be returning to _his and Mark’s_ home now, looking at _his and Mark’s_ kids... 

And that’s what scares Jaebum. 

With Jinyoung, they have already walked the path of multiple-choice questions of life. They got together out of stupidity behind their friends’ backs, they broke up, got back together again years later, gave a shot at a family and then they failed again. The end. No more what-ifs, nothing. 

Jaebum doesn’t want to think about possibilities anymore, not on a cozy Friday evening, so he only lets out a subtle cough to let everyone know he’s home. 

Mark waves at him, putting his schoolwork away; the boys don’t really acknowledge his existence because they’re too immersed in the game. 

“What did you show them this time?” Jaebum asks, plopping onto the sofa next to Mark. 

“They begged me to show the stuff I used to play back in the day,” Mark says with a grin on his face. “At first, I tried to teach them how to play Fire Emblem, but it’s not a multiplayer game, so it didn’t stick to them that much. Super Smash Bros was the final winner.” 

“I just love how these names say absolutely _nothing_ to me,” Jaebum laughs too, trying to get a better glimpse of the game through Jinwoo’s shoulder. He’s looking at something round and pink – and apparently named Kirby, as Jinwoo kindly lets him know – waving a hammer around. 

“Too bad you only played all the lame games growing up,” Mark teases. “Anyway, the boys already did their homework – which I checked – and ate dinner. There’s some left for you too if you’re hungry.” 

Jaebum sighs, “I don’t know why you still put up with us throughout all these years, but you’re a lifesaver.” 

Mark joins him in the kitchen while Jaebum wolfs down fried rice with some veggies – Mark may not be a world-class chef, but he knows how to make Jaebum’s favorite dishes, so it’s like a small holiday in a plate anyway. 

What takes Jaebum by surprise though, is that Mark also pushes a glass of wine toward him as well. 

“What’s the occasion?” Jaebum asks, but he doesn’t refuse a sip, and a familiar bitterness colors his throat. 

“Jinyoung dropped by earlier,” Mark shrugs. “Told me the news.” 

“So he tells you personally, but for me, it’s only a scan of the court order sent via email,” Jaebum humorously shakes his head. “But yeah, I'm a fresh divorcee. Time to drown my misery in wine and bizarre work hours!” He adds, raising his wine glass. 

“You don’t seem that miserable,” Mark notes, and Jaebum can’t figure out if it sounds accusing, or if it’s just genuine curiosity. 

“I’m not,” Jaebum says. “This marriage was doomed, maybe it was like that even before we got married. And we both knew that.” 

“Then why did you get married in the first place?” 

Jaebum gets silent. He’s asked himself that question over and over again, in an attempt to find an answer. And the answer he has sounds a little lame, all things considered. 

“It was... Convenient, I suppose,” he says, taking another sip of the drink. “We had a clear plan – we're getting together by the time we’re thirty if we don’t find anything better. So that we wouldn’t end up alone.” 

Mark smiles, but the smile is a little stale. 

“So that you wouldn’t end up like me.” 

When Jaebum thinks about it, Mark has never really flaunted his own relationships. Heck, Jaebum is not even sure if there were any – they kept setting Mark up with various people (and by _they_ _,_ Jaebum has mostly Jackson in mind, before the latter moved to France) and the dates would fail tremendously, or Mark would find an excuse not to go. 

Mark has always been a lone wolf, who cared about his closest friend circle only; new people never interested him that much. 

“Can I ask you something?” Mark says after a little pause. “Something personal.” 

“We should put the kids to sleep first,” Jaebum suggests. “Then we’ll be able to finish the bottle in peace and talk all the shit we want.” 

Mark acknowledges the idea, once again being a literal angel by convincing Jaebum he can only come and say goodnight, he’ll do the rest himself. 

Sangwoo and Jinwoo loved Mark, just like they loved every single uncle of theirs – perhaps Jackson the most because he always comes with pockets full of candies whenever he visits them, but Mark has always been a close second. 

To the boys, uncle Mark was like an extension of their actual parents, so there was never a big deal if they went to sleep being bossed around by him, not Jaebum or Jinyoung. 

“What did you want to ask?” Jaebum asks when he’s finally out of his suit and back to his ugly old sweatpants and a T-shirt. A perfect exhibit of A Dad In His Forties, he’d say. 

Mark takes a sip of wine too, for the courage he seems to need right now. 

“That night when you and Jinyoung went to a bar...” 

“Oh my _god_ ,” Jaebum rolls his eyes. “Why do you all keep talking about that?” 

“We all?” Mark repeats. 

“When we signed the papers, Jinyoung also brought that night up like it was the biggest secret of the century,” Jaebum shrugs. 

_Oh._

Actually, Mark was planning on asking why Jaebum never called him back. This question has been bugging him for a solid decade now – after continuous persuasion sessions from Jackson, Mark was absolutely sure that it was _time,_ time to finally suck it up and talk about feelings like the adults they already were back then. 

But instead of calling back, Jaebum was with Jinyoung; and when he finally did call back – two days later to casually ask him out for a quick lunch – Jaebum sounded so blissful to the point Mark was wondering what was going on. 

Later, he found out that Jaebum and Jinyoung getting back together was what was going on, and Mark swore to never go even remotely close to the Feelings topic ever again. 

And now it turns out that Jaebum didn’t even know about all this. 

“You didn’t know I asked you to call me in the morning?” Mark slowly asks. 

“All I remember from that night is getting wasted, and then you talking to Jinyoung over my phone, that’s it,” Jaebum says. “I doubt Jinyoung remembers any more. But why is that so important now?” 

If Mark was still twenty-seven, like he was that particular night, full of stupid pride and stubbornness, he would’ve said that it’s not important at all, forget it. But luckily, Mark in his forties is a lot more intact with his emotional department. 

So he simply says, “I called that night because I wanted to ask you out.” 

“You _what_?!” Jaebum gasps, a few decibels too loud not to frantically look around to make sure that he didn’t wake his sons up. There's now a large splash of red wine on his shirt, too, but he doesn’t care about that. Mark doesn’t repeat his words. “Then why didn’t you say so when I picked up the phone back then?” 

“You were talking to aliens,” Mark lets out a smile, but it’s sad. “I understood nothing you were saying, and then Jinyoung took your phone with speaking skills just about the same. But he seemed a bit more sober than you, so I asked... And he must’ve forgotten.” 

It’s not entirely true, by now Jaebum is able to add two and two together – he knows Jinyoung most definitely did not forget, that’s why he brought it up. It was a guilty conscience talking, and Jaebum doesn’t know how he feels about it. 

“I always wondered...” Jaebum quietly says, not quite recovered from the revelation, “What must’ve gone through your mind when Jinyoung and I got back together... When we got engaged and all.” 

“When you got engaged... I think it was ‘ _damn it, now I'll need to buy a_ _suit for_ _the wedding’_?” Mark laughs, but Jaebum knows that the humor in his voice is hiding something more. “I don’t think it’s right to discuss this when you just got divorced, though. You have more important stuff to figure out, forget about it. It was a long time ago.” 

Jaebum nods. Suddenly the workload and wine crash into his body with full force – he's tired, so, so, tired. 

Only when his body jerks him awake just before Jaebum’s sleepy head falls onto Mark’s shoulder, he suddenly says, “Do you remember your scarf?” 

“My scarf?” 

“The one you gave me on my way home that winter,” Jaebum sleepily continues. “When I went to take Yugyeom from the bus station. The red one.” 

Mark thinks he remembers, a little bit. Vaguely. 

“Yeah?” he says, nevertheless. 

“I lost it,” Jaebum says and Mark tries to bite back a grin. “I think Yugyeom took it by accident after the winter break, and I lost it. I bought you a new one as a late Christmas gift and hoped you won’t notice.” 

Mark noticed. Of course he did – the scarf Jaebum bought was navy blue, nowhere near red, and with a completely different pattern. He just didn’t say anything back then, playing along. But actually, the red scarf was never really gone. 

“Yugyeom gave it back to me, a couple of months later,” Mark says. “One time when he was in Seoul, I said it looks familiar and he said he must’ve taken it from you because he didn’t remember how he got it. So then we connected the dots and the scarf was mine again.” 

Mine again. _Mine again_ , is echoing through Jaebum’s ears, head, the entire sleepy mind of his. Back then, Jaebum had treated the scarf disappearance as a sign – if he lost something that belonged to Mark, it definitely meant that he would’ve lost Mark too, so in the end, he never really tried. 

But in reality, everything was just falling in its places. The scarf had found Mark again, and Jaebum was back to square one again too now... But why Jaebum can’t treat that as a sign of sorts as well? 

_Mine again; mine again. Mine._

Jaebum’s asleep. 

And Mark can’t help but feel like Jaebum is nothing but sand, quickly slipping through his fingers every time Mark thinks he finally caught him. 

He allows himself only one small sin, one detour from all the rules he’s laid down for himself ever since Jaebum got back together with Jinyoung – Mark places a light kiss on Jaebum’s forehead before going to fetch a blanket so that the snoring overworked tipsy disaster Im Jaebum wouldn’t get cold during the night. 

“I think he’s dead.” 

“Stop talking shit, he’s breathing, see?” 

_He should scold Sangwoo for cursing._

“Maybe we should call dad--” 

“No, just let him sleep.” 

_Sleep, yes. Let him sleep a little bit more._

Jaebum doesn’t know what time of the day it is when his kids’ voices finally punch through his ears; scratch that – he doesn’t even know if it’s a _day_. Seems like all that working overtime and his alcohol tolerance taking an even deeper dive finally took its toll on him this fine weekend. 

He forces his eyes open – it's a little too bright for his liking, so it definitely must be daytime – to see his sons sitting on the other end of the sofa and watching him suffer a mild hangover like it would be a good comedy. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be in school?” Jaebum mumbles and his voice sounds like he hasn’t drunk water for the past decade. 

“It’s _Saturday_ , dad,” Sangwoo rolls his eyes. “Also, it’s past 2 PM, so... what’s for lunch?” 

Jaebum jolts from the sofa. The blanket Mark put on him last night gets stuck somewhere between his legs and he almost trips. 

“Jesus Christ,” Jaebum whispers to himself, but he doesn’t know what it’s directed at, his clumsiness or sleepiness. 

He doesn’t really remember the last time he could sleep for that long and, no lie, the fact that he’s still confused about last night doesn’t help his headache at all. 

The late-night conversations with Mark, about the scarf that somehow found its way back home, about almost ending up with a completely another person two decades ago, if Jaebum had the guts to because Mark sure had back then. 

And this weird dream Jaebum had... Mark kissing his forehead. Even though only a dream, Jaebum could swear the spot still burns. 

“Did uncle Mark go home?” Jaebum asks cautiously, even if he seemingly doesn’t have any reason to be this awkward about it. 

“Yeah, early in the morning. He also left us breakfast _and_ lunch,” Sangwoo says, putting Jaebum as a responsible parent to shame once again. “He even told us to not pester you today.” 

“And you never listen to me when I say that, but you listen to uncle Mark,” Jaebum deadpans, falling onto the sofa again. Both of the kids stick their tongues out at him, and Jaebum starts laughing. 

However, his laughter lasts only until Jinwoo, full of his childhood honesty, opens his mouth. 

“Dad, do you like uncle Mark?” 

“What,” Jaebum almost chokes on air because the question falls onto him so out of the blue. They couldn’t have heard anything yesterday, _could they_? 

Jinwoo shrugs, “You seem to be happy when he’s around. He’s been around a lot lately.” 

That’s true, during the past few weeks Mark has been nothing but a pillar onto which Jaebum could lean on when it came to trying to remain sane, raising his kids and learning how to _live_ again – you can’t just pretend that twelve years of living with a certain person means absolutely nothing, even feelings aside. 

No wonder kids noticed, Jaebum thinks bitterly. 

“He’s just kind enough to help me around,” Jaebum says and Jinwoo seems content with the answer, but Sangwoo is not. 

That’s why Jaebum stops and looks back at his eldest when later he makes a trip to the kitchen to get at least some food into his system; Sangwoo is playing something on his phone, but as soon as Jaebum enters, the kid’s eyes fixate on his dad. 

“What?” Jaebum asks. 

Sangwoo stays silent for a second, but in the end, he’s a little like Jaebum too – when something’s bugging him because he knows things aren’t quite right, he speaks up. 

“Last night I got up to use the bathroom,” Sangwoo says, but he sounds like he’s having a hard time keeping a straight face up. That’s how Jaebum knows it’s just not going to be good for his sanity. And he’s most definitely right. “And I saw uncle Mark kissing you.” 

“ _What_ ,” thank God, Jaebum’s been leaning against the fridge because he would’ve passed out otherwise. 

_He was so, so sure it was only a dream. A... pleasant one, but only a dream nevertheless..._

“I think you should go for it,” Sangwoo nonchalantly shrugs, as if he hasn’t caught his dad being kissed by another man a _day_ after his official divorce. But maybe it’s just Jaebum’s overthinking kicking in – it seems like Sangwoo isn’t really interested in these kinds of details. “From the stories you told us, it seemed like you really like uncle Mark.” 

The way he says it in the present tense makes a nervous knot form in Jaebum’s stomach. 

“Many years have passed after those stories,” Jaebum gently says, and yet it comes off like he’d be trying to reassure himself, not his son. “Things aren’t the same anymore.” 

“So you _don’t_ like uncle Mark?” 

“I... Yes... No, I--” Jaebum has never been good at improvisations and Sangwoo seemed to have learned how to press people into answering uncomfortable questions a little too early into his life. “It’s complicated.” 

Sangwoo sighs as if he couldn’t believe his ears. “Either you like someone or not, what’s complicated about this? And if you say ‘ _when you grow up, you’ll understand’,_ I'm going to start yelling. _”_

Jaebum, who indeed was about to open his mind to tell exactly that, shuts his mouth. 

“You spent a lot of years regretting that you didn’t say anything to uncle Mark,” Sangwoo adds, and Jaebum can’t believe that his twelve year old son has emotional maturity perhaps bigger than he himself will ever have. “And now you have an opportunity to say it. Go.” 

Jaebum looks at him incredulously, “First you plan fake detention to keep me and dad together, and now you’re pushing me to go meet another person?” 

Sangwoo grins, “Well, since our first plan didn’t quite succeed, it’s time to work on bigger things. And it’s _uncle Mark,_ not some random dude, so... _Go_.” 

It seems like his son’s words finally start to resonate with him, as if he’s possessed some strange spirit of bravery – Jaebum’s emotions have been boiling to the point of overflowing for the past weeks anyway, and it seems like it needed only a slight poke. 

_Yes, he’s going to be brave for once, and finally tell everything he’s been thinking about – even though it might not make much sense – and just hope for the best possible outcome..._ But where should he go, he has no idea where Mark is now? 

Seems like his son has him covered here too because before returning to the game he was playing before this conversation, he mumbles, “Uncle Mark is at his school, grading some papers, or whatever.” 

“How do you know all that?” Jaebum frowns. 

“I’m almost thirteen, dad,” Sangwoo doesn’t even bat an eyelash. “I know things.” 

Sangwoo really knows things – and that’s how Jaebum ends up roaming empty hallways of a private academy Mark’s been teaching at. 

Jaebum has forgotten his school days quite a bit, so he expects the academy to be empty on a late Saturday afternoon; but seeing heaps of kids, trying to hurriedly finish their homework before going to class, reminds him that academic life is alive even during weekends. 

Mark doesn’t have classes on Saturdays, the only big work rule of his, so his stare is a little surprised when Jaebum barges into his classroom. 

“Jaebum?” Mark asks, almost jumping up from his desk where he’s undoubtedly going through some homework. “Is everything alright?” 

“Not exactly... I mean, yes, generally, everything’s fine,” Jaebum adds, seeing Mark’s concerned stare. “I just wanted to... talk?” 

“About what?” now that he’s sure no one’s dying, Mark’s a lot calmer, too. He points Jaebum to sit down somewhere, so they both plop into a desk. 

Jaebum has forgotten how uncomfortable those are, too. 

At first, he cannot possibly force his mouth open, because _what on earth_ _has_ _he been thinking_ , _how can he possibly just bust out a confession or sorts just like that_ \-- 

“Sangwoo said he saw you kiss me on my forehead last night,” his brain turns into mush and Jaebum says the dumbest thing that comes to mind. He definitely didn’t plan on starting with that; but the milk has been already spilled, it seems, because Mark’s cheeks flame up crimson red. 

“I’m sorry,” Mark mumbles, trying not to look at Jaebum. Tiny paper butterflies, a result of a crafts class with another teacher whom Mark is sharing the classroom with, feel so much better to look at. “I shouldn’t have. It was probably wine speaking, and you’ve been through a lot lately...” 

“If you had the chance and knew Jinyoung wouldn’t tell me about your call,” Jaebum says, even though his voice shakes quite a bit. “Would you still... You know... Try to ask me out. Back then?” 

Mark thinks for a little. One of the butterflies is made from red paper; just like the scarf he’s given to Jaebum that one winter. Red has always been Mark’s favorite color until it changed into navy blue because of the scarf Jaebum returned. 

“Jinyoung was always around,” Mark slowly says, but his answer is vague. “And I don’t think you were really over him when you first broke up. It was only a question of time when you would’ve gotten back together.” 

“And if he wasn’t around?” Jaebum mumbles. “Like he’s not around anymore now.” 

Mark’s palms feel sweaty. 

He himself has been wondering about that for ages. If things were different, if there was no Jinyoung – because let’s be real, he’s the only person Jaebum has really dated, asides his somewhat of a bro moment with Jackson. 

“Remember that one afternoon in my apartment, when we were juniors in university?” Mark finally says. “When it was raining?” 

There have been countless days like that, but Jaebum _knows_. The one where Mark almost kissed him; so he nods. 

And this time there’s no almost anymore, because Mark, as if possessed by the same brave spirit, leans in and finally kisses him. 

Jaebum is not a fan of romantic movies, but if he could describe this very moment when his lips finally got to do what they’ve been wanting for the past two decades, it would be full of movie clichés - fireworks going off in his head, his heart dropping to his heels and then exploding into thousands of pink confetti pieces. 

And, most importantly, this finally feels _right_. All the love stories of Jaebum’s finally end, and the happy ending he’s gotten is more than he could’ve asked for. 

“Your kids will probably kill me,” Mark laughs when they’re walking to the subway station to catch a train home. Jaebum’s hand is tightly secured in Mark’s palm the entire way there. 

“You’d be surprised,” Jaebum smiles back, feeling a little bit in a daze. “Sangwoo literally forced me to come here. They love you.” 

There’s no train for the upcoming twenty minutes, but they don’t even feel time passing anymore. They’ve counted years without each other for so long, time is almost inexistent by now. 

A train from line 3 finally comes, reminiscent of that one particular winter; but this time both Mark and Jaebum get on the train together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're here!!! we reached the end!!! this fic truly belongs to the markbum tag!!!
> 
> this fic was a ride, truly lmao mostly because it's my first fic in a /year/ like, i felt so rusty and weird actually writing stuff but! I'm happy i was able to enjoy writing like i did before, and i hope you all enjoyed this fic too! I'm usually not the one to go for romantic comedies and fluff and fics where no one suffers that much or dies lmao but this time, I'm really content with what I've done. 
> 
> the plot took so many turns in the drafts while i was writing because i took the liberty of the individual love stories not necessarily having to be connected together, like. this was a completely different fic when i first started writing lmao there was not supposed to be any divorce at all, bc initially it was just a random cute tale about how jaebum met his husband because the kids were bored one night and jaebum was missing his husbando while the latter was on a business trip (and the husband wasn't even jinyoung!) but it became what it is, and I'm glad that it kept some of you on your tippy toes with theories and all!! 
> 
> which brings me to another point, which is, thank you!!!! for reading, for leaving kudos and especially comments!! there's nothing better than to wake up to a literal essay with extensive theories on what's gonna happen next and it made my heart swell so many times :') and even those comments with no theories! just. thank you for putting up with my works and liking it, it just really, really means a LOT.
> 
> anyhow, enough rambling, so. thank yall for everything, stay safe, take care, and comments are always welcome!!
> 
> if you wanna yell with/at me, here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/doublejisoo) or, for the shy folks, [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/doublejisoo)
> 
> (and i might return soon, because the urge to write angst is bubbling, and it's not like i don't have a 13k words long draft of exactly that in my computer... :) )


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